For the past three months, I haven’t been working. I had freedom. I explored Vermont. I traveled to Steamboat Springs and San Francisco. I moved to a new town. I dated. I was doing amazing. I started seeing a therapist last week. Even though I know I should see one, I almost felt like I didn’t have to. I had my life in check.
Then I started my internship. I was really excited. I am still excited for it. I still think it will be good for me. But, I broke down today. I had to go to the bathroom to let my emotions out. There was no reason for it. Nothing happened that caused it. I just got the overwhelming feeling of dread and emotional pain. I needed to let it out. Afterwards, I felt like an idiot. I felt like a failure. I felt that I was going to be isolated and stuck forever. Tonight, I am still struggling with that feeling. I just want to be normal. I want to be able to start a job and not freak out about it. Not to be sad about coming back to an empty apartment. To feel like I’m working towards something, instead of questioning if I can do this or not. I don’t want to struggle anymore. I thought I was good. That’s the worst part. Then all of the sudden, it’s back.
Tonight, as in right now, I feel awful. I feel isolated. I feel like a failure. I’m looking forward to when it’s a reasonable time for me to go to bed so I no longer have to be. I know that isn’t good. I know that it isn’t healthy. I know that I should be doing something more productive tonight. Instead, I drink wine. I watch the clock. I wait until I can sleep. I might cry.
Nothing happened today to cause this. Nothing was incredibly stressful. I didn’t do anything immensely wrong. It all went fine. That’s why this feeling is even worse. There’s no cause. I just suffer and struggle because my head decides I need to. I don’t want to come home from work and be miserable. I want to do things and see things. You can’t always do that solo. That’s where I also struggle. I am striving for peace. It will happen. I have to believe in that, or else I will not have any hope.