Ever since I could remember, my mind wandered. I created fantasy scenarios in my head. I would move to a new school and fall in love with the perfect guy. I would be working and a monster hunter would come and I would go on an adventure with them These thoughts were constantly happening. In class. At work. At home. With friends. I was constantly waiting for my fantasies to come true. If anyone came close to it, I would put my fantasies on them. Even if I knew they wouldn’t live up to my fantasies and they would, obviously, never come true, I still held on to the belief.
Middle School and High School were tough times for me, and I’m sure it was for others as well. The way I coped with feeling lost, out of place, not “cool” enough, and lonely, I created fantasy adventure in my head. I would keep waiting for it to happen, even though I knew it wouldn’t.
Now at 26, I still create fantasies, even though I know it’s not normal. I create fantasies in my head that people I care about would leave me. The guy I’m seeing is lying to me and he doesn’t care- he will fall in love with his platonic friend and leave me for her. My fantasies turned to be blatantly self-destructive.
Back in the day, they weren’t healthy either, but they served a purpose. I survived those years by escaping into my fantasy worlds. Now, I need to be present, but my mind won’t stop. I create scenarios and go over them again and again until it becomes real in my mind. I need to stop. I want to stop. I need to let go of this defense mechanism and learn to trust life and be in the present.