I started dating someone new about four months ago. Yes, I met him online. He’s great. The relationship is moving along. I met his family and friends. He met my family and friends. I’m comfortable. I like him a lot. I am also one foot out the door. Constantly.
Last year, around this time, I entered into a relationship with someone. It only lasted for about a month. It ended due to my anxiety and depression. For the month or so after that, I was not well. I remember not knowing how I was going to get through each day. I couldn’t let go of the fact that my mental health is what ended up. I thought he was safe. I was wrong.
Before that, I dated someone for four and half years. It was good at first, but then it turned emotionally abusive. I am the one who took most of the blame. My anxiety and depression grew in that relationship. I started saying sorry for everything I said. I became accustomed to him telling me to “shut up,” calling me a “bitch” or saying that I was “crazy” for a few examples. He punched walls and blamed it on me. It was a lot. I finally had the strength to leave.
For these two reasons and much more I won’t get into now, relationships freak me out. The risk of being hurt again is almost too much for me. I started accusing the new man I am seeing of being in love with others (ex-girlfriends or friends who are girls), telling him he was going to fall in love with someone else on his weekend trips or questioning him about his past. When he tells me he likes me or that he will be there for me or that he wants to be with me, I couldn’t believe him. I wanted to, but I was scared that if I did, I would just look like an idiot. I accused him and questioned him because then when something finally did happen I can say “I knew it.” If I kept believing he was going to leave or hurt me, then I could always be prepared for it. That doesn’t make for a very strong investment in the relationship.
I realized that my logic was off. I knew that, if anything, me accusing him and questioning him would be what would push him away and not what I was accusing him of. I really liked him. I wanted to go all in. So I recently decided to make the consciousness effort to believe and trust him. It goes against all of my instincts, but if I wanted to see where this relationship would go, it was something I had to do.
It’s going to be a process. I know my triggers will still be there and my emotions will run high. I really want to try this time. I don’t want to let my anxiety, depression or my past get the best of my present and future.