Today I wanted to quit. I wanted to leave it all. I became so tired of trying to be okay, giving, pushing through. I wanted to go home and crawl under a blanket. I wanted to cry. I wanted not to think. I wanted to skip over the next few months. I wanted not to have to try so hard to be okay. I was (well still am) exhausted of it. I am tired of checking my apartment multiple times before I leave. I’m tired of feeling like I cannot do anything. I’ve had enough of falling apart.
There are so many things I need to get done. I know I need to write my paper. I know the tasks I need to complete at work. All those tasks feel strenuous, while in reality, they are simple. I can quickly finish them if I can just do it. Some days I can push through. Today wasn’t one of those days. I feel as if I failed today. I’m still trying to be okay with having these days, but I’m also tired of trying and going back down in my darkness.
The road to feeling better is never a straight path. I know this. I understand this. For whatever reason, I cannot accept it. I want to get better. I have relationships I want to believe in. I have dreams that I want to accomplish. Instead, I’m staring at them from a distance paralyzed by depression and anxiety on most days.
On these days, I’m tempted to run away. To a new city. To a new life. To be happy somewhere else. Running away, I know, never fixes anything. On these days, however, I think they will help.