Holidays

Listen loved ones, I’m sorry.
I’m sorry for ruining holidays.
I’m sorry for fighting.
I’m sorry for pushing you away.
I’m sorry for questioning.
I’m sorry for hurting you.

I am, but I know you heard this before.
The words dripped from my mouth.
You listen each time and nod.
Then you say you heard this before.
I would glance down and agree.
I swear I’m trying, though, I whisper.

I’m trying with every ounce in me.
But I’m tired now.
Sometimes I think it would be easier
You know, to run away.
To leave it all behind.
To maybe live a life of solitude.
So my pain won’t cause you pain.

Maybe it will for a little.
But then it fades as it does.

I met this man and he liked me.
But eventually, he didn’t know what to say.
I took that as a cue he was leaving.
So I decided to push him away.

I knew I was going to hurt eventually from this.
I warned myself to stay away.
He really was wonderful.
He stuck around longer than I thought he would.
But I couldn’t give him a reason to stay.

I started talking about my struggles.
So others would feel less alone.
The funny thing is it made me feel isolated.
Someone told me to stop.
That sharing only pushes people away.
Some may not understand or know what to say.
So keep it to yourself, they say.

I wish I was better, but I was never good
To keep things to myself.
They eat me up so I need to scream them.

I know it’s the holidays so I’m not doing this right.
I’m supposed to be happy and with family.
Instead, I left early and ruined it all.
Typical, though.
Get used to it, though.
I’m just a fuck-up, though.
Never enough, though.

It was going to happen eventually.
Disappearing into the wind.
Maybe I’ll ghost everyone in my life.
Maybe that would make it okay?

Then I just feel the guilt.
I don’t like causing hurt.
But more than that-
I feel like I need people.
But often have nowhere to turn.

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