Some days I’m just not okay. Sometimes I need to cry. Other days I don’t feel anything. I don’t know what to do sometimes on either of those days. Today was one of those days. I didn’t sleep well because my anxiety kept me up. I arrived home and slightly didn’t know what to do. I felt as if everything was off in my life. Friendships, relationships, career, etc. By off, I don’t mean wrong or not good anymore, but like I was messing it up a bit. I am writing an article for a website, I’m trying at least. When I’m writing it, I mostly feel like a fraud. I stopped after 20 minutes, but I tried. My dirty dishes are piling up in the sink. I don’t think I even brushed my teeth today (no judgment please). I definitely didn’t put on a bra. I just didn’t have the energy to try. I felt disconnected like I was the outside looking in on my own life.
Now, what am I supposed to tell the people who “care” about me? That I can’t move off the couch? That I don’t know how to get better today? That I wish it was 9:00 pm so I could go to sleep? That I can’t keep saving myself from this mess in my head? That I’m always exhausted with all these thoughts running around? No one wants to be around that. No one should want to be around that. So, I almost reach out but then I retreat. My response is always flight and never fight. Hide away so you won’t be a burden. I lost people before because of this, so I don’t want to lose anyone else for the same reason.
I try to remind myself that people who care about me do what to help me. I push them away. Part of me doesn’t want to drive them away, and part of me believes that people who are currently in my life want to support me, but part of me is still scared. I’m trying to be okay though with asking for help. Just maybe not today. I am strong enough to handle today on my own.