I really try. Though it may seem like I don’t. It seems like every time I try taking a step forward, I somehow end up two steps back. Sometimes I don’t even know I’m doing it. Other times I’m too lost to realize what I’m doing. Sometimes I don’t know the difference between acting “crazy” and “normal.” Sometimes I think what I’m feeling is normal, but it turns out that is the case. I frustrate those around me and those who care and end up isolated.
When I feel like this, I mostly end up on my kitchen floor drinking a bottle of wine with no one really to turn to. And that’s okay sometimes. I need to figure out how to “soothe” myself. Other times I feel like I need help getting off the floor, but no one is there, and I don’t really blame them.
If you didn’t know, I’m a lot. Always have been. People closest to me often deal with the repercussions of my anxiety and depression. There’s only so many people can take. I always end up in a cycle with beating down on myself.
I obviously don’t want to be like this. I wish the answer were simple. That I could turn my brain off. Try not to think. You know, be mindful and present. Find out when my anxiety and depression is lying. Know when I’m acting irrationally. Know the difference between being needy and having needs.
My relationships have a cycle.
If anyone asked, I would prefer to be “normal.” Not breaking at every mistake. Not feeling like a failure every day. Knowing the difference between logical and irrational. I just get lost and hurt those around me.