I’m not sure if people understand. For the most part, I don’t know if others understand how much I’m trying. I can understand why it seems like I don’t. I fail a lot.
I’m not sure if they understand what it is like when the anxiety and depression take over. How every fear or worry seem urgent and so real.
“Of course your friends don’t actually care about you.”
“Of course he is going to fall in love with someone else.”
“You are just a failure.”
“You know you can’t do anything right.”
“You probably shouldn’t even try.”
“You should just not reach out to anyone – you are just a burden to everyone else.”
Those are just examples. They get hard to shut out after a while, but I keep trying.
Yesterday, I had a hard morning. I let the thoughts take over. I said some things that weren’t great. I let my irrational fears become rational in my mind and took it out on someone I care about. After the anxiety had subsided, I felt like a fool. How could I believe all those things? But at the moment when it’s occurring and happening, it’s as real as if I saw those things going on in front of me.
But yesterday afternoon I did all the things I was supposed to. I went grocery shopping and bought healthy food. I listened to music and cooked. I did a puzzle. I did some school work. I cleaned my apartment. I did laundry. I was good, SO good until I wasn’t.
It’s frustrating. When you try so hard to be better, but it never seems to be good enough. It’s exhausting. It’s as if I have to be consciousness of my every movement and thought, so I don’t slip into my anxiety.
I’m also not sure if people understand how much I hate it. I wish I was chill, cool, and confident. I wish I didn’t have these constant worries rushing through my head. The constant negative self-talk. I told someone recently how much it bothers me when people criticize me or tell me I’m doing something wrong – it’s not an ego problem – it’s an I tell myself these things all the time, so I don’t need to hear them from others problem.
I become caught up in my failures instead of my wins. It’s when I think thoughts like “I deserve to be shot.” You see- I don’t want to hurt myself – I promise – but if something like that happened, I would be like “okay I deserve this.” Or I face planted while cross-country skiing this weekend – I wish I got a bruise so then what I’m feeling on the inside will be shown on the outside. It’s those type of things. That I’m feeling a lot of pain, but I don’t have much proof of it. I try so hard, but I don’t have much evidence of that as well.
So I take it. I take it all in. I keep moving forward because there’s nothing else I can do. I keep trying because there’s no alternative in my mind. It’s hard. It’s exhausting. But I’m here still, so that’s something.