I told someone recently that I think that I am unlovable. When I told them this, they laughed. I don’t blame them. How can one fathom feeling that awful about one’s self to believe this? How can you explain this to someone who never felt this way? How every hint from a past life makes you feel like you can never compete. How a dream can influence your outlook for the day. How do you explain that after every mistake you make, you feel like you need to be punished? How you feel guilty for things that aren’t your fault or that you never even did?
It doesn’t make sense. I understand how others can have a hard time understanding. The can claim its dramatic, but it feels so real to me. This is the truth. I am not good enough. I have so many bad qualities how can I even begin to feel okay?
I hear you when you tell me you’re here. I hear you when you say I’m enough. I hear you when you ask me to list my positive qualities. I hear you loved ones. I wish I could have your words sunk into my skin and mind. Instead, I just swipe them off before they can leave a mark. “You’re just saying that” is what I always respond.
It must be hard seeing me and knowing I think this. I can understand your frustration and hurt. I know you don’t understand how I can’t always see it. You don’t know why sometimes I wish I could disappear.
Then you see me one day, and I’m good. Confident. Happy. Then I crash, and it’s hard to understand.
Thanks for showing up. Thanks for sticking it out. Thanks for being there. Helps me see some hope in the future and myself.