Recovery & Being Happy

It’s weird when you start to feel better. It’s weird when you feel like you can breathe. It’s weird when you feel like you’re in the present. It’s weird when your mind is quiet. It’s good, but it’s weird. It’s just something that I’m not used to. Not many people can understand that.

This past week or so have been good. A week may not seem like a lot to others, but to me, it’s a huge victory. When I’m not a well, I can be a lot for people in my life. Now that I’m well, I want everyone to notice. Sometimes I even say directly: “Do you see how well I have been lately?” It’s strange, I know. But when this happens, I’m proud. Others can see that, and they are happy for me. So they get confused when I also act scared at the same time.

I’m scared because I’m just waiting for it to fall. I have enjoyed this past week. I felt well. Even though I’m still doing well, I’m living on the edge. Being happy is scary. It’s scary because I know it won’t last forever. It’s interesting that when I’m depressed or anxious, I feel as if it will last forever, but when I’m happy I’m only waiting for the impending doom. I wish I could just lay in the sun and enjoy it without wondering when the rain will come pouring down.

It’s frustrating. I wish I could just enjoy being well. Even though I’m present most of the time, I feel like I have a dark cloud following me. I remember telling a therapist a year or so ago that I don’t remember the last time I was actually happy. That realization was shocking for me. I thought it was sad. I was alive but not really living. When I fell asleep every night, I would dream up a made up life. I thought if this happened then I would be happy. Those things never happened, and I never became happy.

I’m finally satisfied with my present life. I have a lot of unknowns still, but I feel as if I’m finally living. I wish I could forget about the dark cloud. I know this happiness will not last forever, and I’m trying to learn to be okay with that. When you are not used to be happy, and you have these weeks of happiness you just want to hold on to them, but you can’t, and that has to be okay. I want to continue being well, and I will keep striving to be well. I will learn how to be okay when depression and anxiety return. It’s a process learning how to be happy, but I finally feel as if I am getting there.

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