I tend to argue a lot. Mostly to myself. I have these contradictory beliefs in my head, and I never know which to hold on to.
When I look at my past relationship, for example, I have this tendency to defend. Some people would describe that relationship as emotionally abusive. I tend to agree with this. There is a lot that comes with that, though. When I look at that relationship, I view myself as weak, stupid, victim, and as an accomplice. I’m weak because I stayed for longer than I should. I am weak because I think I learned, but I probably didn’t. I’m stupid because I should have known better. I’m a victim because it happened to me and it stayed. I’m an accomplice because it is probably my fault. I have a mixture of where I condemn him, and I defend him. I’m not really sure what that is about. It’s a battle in my head when I think about it. It’s confusing. It’s contradictory. I don’t know how to figure it out. I feel stupid for having its effect in a certain way still. The weird thing is, it feels like it is in the past. It doesn’t feel present anymore, which is extremely helpful. The psychological piece that goes with it, though, the guilt and the contradictory beliefs cause issues.
I see this popping up in my everyday life. Believing in two completely different ideas at once and not knowing where to go. The belief that I’m totally lovely and worthy versus considering that I am entirely unlovable. I think that I’m going to be fully successful to thinking I’m failing as a person most of the time. I got from condemning to defending. From believing in someone to waiting for disappointment.
Constantly looking and analyzing is hard. I learned not always trust my thoughts, but this causes the issue of always seconding guessing myself. Am I acting “crazy” or am I acting logically? Is this a “normal” need or do I need to calm down? How am I supposed to react to this? Am I the only one that thinks this way? Why am I doing this? Why do you always fuck it up? Why do you always disappoint others? Why do you push people away? When will this person fail you?
It’s constant firing of these questions and battles, and it’s tiring. I’m so tired. I can have people next to me or people who I know care about me, but they aren’t there in my head. They aren’t the ones fighting every day. The ones who are battling. The ones who have to put a shower on their to-do list. The one who has to make sure that they do certain things so that they won’t freak out. The ones that have to check their apartment for fire hazards ten times before they leave. Everything feels real. The fears, the questions, the identities I give myself, they all feel real and adequate.
I’m trying to learn to let it go and be present. Not to worry about all the things that I can worry about. Not to question myself. Just believe in my experiences and take them as that. Trying to learn how to believe in others. The contradictions are the hardest. The fighting. The not knowing what to think. I’m still learning how to handle that. Thank goodness for loved ones and therapy.