Some days, things just hit you in a way that it is entirely raw and honest. It feels like whiplash. It feels like a wave. I had a few of those days lately, and I’m waiting for it to sink into my skin.
My feelings about myself can be summed up like this:
“I am not enough of anything, while simultaneously being too much of everything.”
How I feel about myself isn’t okay.
It’s not okay to think of myself as unlovable.
It’s not okay to view myself as a burden.
It’s not okay to think less of myself because I don’t do certain activities.
It’s not okay to care more about how other people view me than how I view myself.
It’s not okay to be fearful of people leaving because I’m not enough.
It’s not okay that when I make a mistake, I feel like I should be punished harshly.
It’s not okay to think I’m the absolute worst.
I can continue with more statements, but I won’t. I hope you get the picture. I don’t want to feel this way about myself. I don’t want to let my emotional brain take over constantly when I feel triggered. It’s not okay how I push people away. It’s not okay how I release my anxiety. People won’t always stay, and they shouldn’t always stay. They shouldn’t stay out of pity.
It’s when you realize you can’t keep going they way you have been living. You can’t keep crashing down every time you have a catastrophic thought. You can’t view every bad belief or thought as a valid truth and is real. It pushes people away. It doesn’t protect you.
I become so scared of my unworthiness that I think trusting and having faith in people will make me look like an idiot. I view others thinking, “how could you possibly believe that THAT person wanted to be with YOU?” or “how could you possibly think that THAT person wanted to be YOUR friend?” Sad, isn’t it? That’s no way to live.
I’m tired. I’m SO tired. I’m tired of pushing people away. I’m tired of not believing in myself. I’m tired of being scared. I’m tired of being frozen. I’m tired of pushing people away because I think I’m better off alone. I’m tired of the past still affecting me. I’m tired of living the way I’m living.
The days where things hit me, it takes me a little bit to recover. Those days aren’t good days. It may even seem like I’m getting worse, but in fact, it’s just a lot to take in. Apparently, I need more than just one of these whiplash days. Maybe, but probably not, yesterday could be my last one. I still think I will have days where anxiety and depression will creep up, but maybe I can have better ways to cope with it. I can’t keep moving forward with my current mindset.