When anxiety or depression take over, I don’t feel like me. I mean, it is definitely not me. I don’t like running away. I don’t like saying mean things. I don’t like not being present. I don’t like acting aggressively. I don’t like being impatient or seeing the negative side to everything. It’s not me. I promise you it’s not me. Sometimes, that’s all people can see. I can’t say I blame them. Usually that’s the dominate piece. It’s more noticeable, I know. When it takes over, I wish I could scream. I wish you could see the side that’s bleeding or the side that is crying. That part of me usually gives up.
Some days I feel defeated. Some days I feel like giving up. Some days I wonder what the point is. Some days I wish I could run. Some days I wish I could just start over. Maybe just have a clean slate. Knowing me, I would just end up dirtying it and probably the next day.
Some days anxiety and depression win. On those days, it affects the people closest to me. The people I care about the most. When my fight or flight responses take over, all hell breaks loose. I don’t like the fight response, so I usually go with flight. This can come out in different ways. Usually it deals with pushing people close to me away. People can only take so much and stick around for only so long.
On these days, I wish I was normal. I wish more than anything that I could just let go. I wish I could be carefree. I wish I wouldn’t hurt people closest to me. I wish I could be happy. I wish I wouldn’t be so sensitive. Mostly, I wish for my mind to just shut up.
I hate myself on these days. Please know, I’m not happy I act the way I act. I wish I could go back in time and act with a clear mind. I’m not the person I want to be.
I know I can’t keep living the way I’ve been living. I don’t want to cause any more damage.