Usually, when I’m struggling, I tend to write more. Lately, I found that that hasn’t been the case. I recently wrote a post about how well I was doing, but how that was scary. Soon after, I fell apart. I am not even sure what caused it. I had a great day. That night, however, nothing felt quite right. I wish I had another way to describe. A way to put it into words how I was feeling. I didn’t have a breakdown. I didn’t cry. Nothing was happening in my life that caused me to have anxiety and depression – though there is rarely a reason.
I was trying to explain it to someone close to me. I told him that it was like I had the opposite of rose colored glasses on. He responded, “so like pooped colored?” I laughed, but it’s pretty accurate. Everything just seemed shitty. I would still go about doing things, and I thought this is good, but I still felt awful. I felt not real. I felt like I was just faking it all. I felt as if I was never good enough. Even though I have such good things happening in my life – I still felt off. So I slept. Sleep is a reprieve. Its when I do not have to think, and I have a break from life.
Even on days when everything doesn’t feel awful, I hesitate to be optimistic. If I think about something going well, then it won’t work out for me in the end. If I see the world through rose-colored glasses, then I am a fool. If I think something is going well for me, then I am obviously missing something. So I analyze everything to find what is off. I mind read. I make up problems when there are none, so I can tell myself “I told you so.” Then I can feel prepared for all the crap that is going to fall.
For example, this week in therapy my therapist had me imagine this coming weekend and what would be the most desirable outcome about my upcoming weekend trip. She wanted to me to visualize it. I kept repeating to myself “I am capable, competent, and confident.” It felt weird and scary. What if I picture something good happening so then it won’t happen because I imagined it happening? It’s sadly where my mind goes. I understand it is not logical. In therapy, I tried to let that go and be open to something going well.
I was talking to my partner, and how I can’t stop thinking and picturing everything bad that can happen in our relationship. He asked if I ever tried picturing all the good things that can happen in our relationship. I said of course not. Sounds awful no? Honestly, though, picturing good things just make me sad because I never think it’s going to last.
I have been trying to see things more positive lately. I’ve been listening to positive playlists instead of my sad ones. I’ve been trying to think of good things happening instead of all the bad.
It’s hard to let these things go, but I realize that it is becoming necessary for me to live a fulfilling life.