I Can’t Care Anymore

I recently decided that I can’t care anymore. I swear it’s not as bad as it sounds. As you might know, I struggle with anxiety and depression. I am doing better now and have recently learned how to control myself slightly more than in the past. I have lost people who were close to me due to my anxiety and depression. I lost close friends, people I was dating, and coworkers. I often beat myself up about losing these people. I walk in fear in my current relationships because of this. To be honest, it causes more issues than anything.

I am coming to terms with the fact that people who want to show up will show up. People who want to stay will stay. People who will have faith will have faith. I can’t force anyone to stay. I can’t force people to believe that I won’t be at my worst forever. It’s a hard thing to recognize at times and be okay with, especially when the people you really want to stay don’t. It’s easy to blame yourself and start believing you are not worthy of sticking around for. It’s a hard thing to combat. I currently have people in my life that have been there for a while. Individuals who have stuck it out and believed in me. Those people help me more than anything.

Deciding not to care anymore about the people who left isn’t a bad thing. I can no longer put my energy into it. I can no longer worry about it. Regretting and beating myself up is not accomplishing a single thing. It’s only causing me distress. The only thing I can do is move forward and do my best. Sometimes I may still wish I can talk with the ones that left. To apologize. To prove that I’m better and that they should come back and be in my life again. You know, though, it’s just not worth it. I want that people who choose to be there. I know I made mistakes that influenced their decision to leave. I’ll own that. I have apologized to them in the past already. I just can’t do it any longer. I can’t care. I can only concentrate on my present life and the people in it.

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