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Posted on February 16, 2017February 16, 2017 by Sylvia Marcia

Hi all!

I wanted to share some other venues that I use for sharing my journey in mental health.

Please feel free to connect with me and reach out! I would love to connect with people on all these platforms.

Sending Love.

Sylvia

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Posted in Misc, UncategorizedTagged Anxiety, connect, Depression, facebook, goodreads, instagram, journey, mental health, mental health awareness, pinterest, share, story, strong, twitter

Published by Sylvia Marcia

Mid-twenties. Struggles with Anxiety & Depression. On a path of self-care and being happy. View all posts by Sylvia Marcia

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Letting people go that you care about has to be one of the most difficult things. People who are no longer good for you. People who only bring negative energy. People who hurt you. It feels easier to let that person in again. It’s familiar. It feels warm for a few minutes. Then you remember the things they said or did or brought into your life that hurt you. You may want to wrap yourself up in this person again. Tell them about your day. Wrap yourself up in the warmth. Feel the familiar. Feel at home. But instead choose to protect yourself. If you’re not healed, don’t let the wound reopen. . . . I’m not ready to let certain people back in my life. That’s okay. Maybe some day. But for now I can’t.

Experiencing the outdoors with anxiety and depression, is never easy. It comes with a lot of ups and downs. It comes wit insecurity and questioning. It comes with feeling like a burden and a bunch of other emotions. I have been talking about it on my blog and social media for a while. On May 6th at the REI in West Hartford I’m going to speaking about this exact topic. I’m terrified. It’s going to be extremely difficult. But I can freaking do it. So if you are in the area- come support! The link to register is in my profile.

Today, this trip ended and I’m back home. This vacation was extremely difficult for numerous reasons. My past person was suppose to come. This trip was suppose to be different than what it ended up being. I was alone for a lot of it. My family tried. But I couldn’t be okay most of the time. I felt a lot of guilt for not being happier. Going on this trip was brave. I think it would have been easier for me (and maybe my family) if I stayed home. But I needed to go. Even when I struggled. Even when I wish I was anywhere else but there. Even when I cried. Even when I had to sleep in a bed by myself that was meant for us. I enjoyed the trip, but it was just really hard. Anxiety and depression were always there. I’m back home and back to my routine tomorrow. This is different for me. I usually hate going back to routine, but it’s exactly what I need right now.

I’m trying to heal in a healthy way. But it hasn’t been easy. Especially here. Because I keep isolating myself. Because I keep being in a sour mood. Because I keep wanting to run off. Because it’s hard for me to think positive about myself right now. Because I just want to keep drinking. Anxiety is low. Depression is high. Loneliness is high. It’s amazing how self evident it is. How it’s so clear I’m not okay with being alone. How I can be, well, I can be a bitch sometimes. I’m really good at pushing people away. This weekend I allowed myself to be a crank. Eventually I pushed myself to interact with my family. I smiled. I had fun. Sometimes I think I got this. Sometimes I’m not so sure.

I don’t like this picture of me. I think I look pretty awful. Since about a month ago, my self confidence got pretty shot. I feel like crap about myself for numerous reasons. I’m on a vacation which I should be enjoying. But as soon as I feel okay, I get slapped in the face with some reminder. I’m in paradise. I should be happy. But I’m not. I hate myself for not being happy. I hate myself for being a burden. I’m trying really hard. I’ll keep on trying. But I can’t anymore tonight.

I always loved the art of traveling. Moving from one place to another. Experiencing something new. Meeting new people. Today I’m starting my journey for a family vacation. I was once looking forward to this trip, but I’m currently feeling apprehensive. When I first booked this trip, I was going with my person. Now it’s just me. The original idea of this trip had to change for me. I changed flights. Changed ideas of what I was going to do. Changed ideas of what this trip means. My family has been supportive. I’m still excited for this trip. Just a little more anxious than I would have been. And maybe a little sad. But I’m ready for it. I deserve it.

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