There are some days when I feel nothing. Sometimes I’m okay with that, other times it’s really hard to feel that way. It’s when something good or funny happens, so you feel like you should be happy but instead, you feel nothing. I prefer that over feeling everything. On the days I feel everything, the whole world becomes too much. I feel heavy and tight. I become overwhelmed and break down. These are the days I cry and have an anxiety attack. There are other days when I feel everything, but I also feel like nothing. I feel undeserving, unwanted and unloved. Other days I feel okay. You probably never know what you are going to get from me.
On most of these days, I feel like disappearing. This usually happens when I try healthy coping mechanisms, and none of them work.
Let’s take today. Today I got my hair cut and highlighted. When I was there, I was feeling anxious, distracted, and on edge. There was no reason for me to feel this way. Everyone was nice, and I didn’t even feel out of place. I thought maybe I was hungry, so after my appointment, I grabbed a sandwich. Then I went for a hike in a new spot. This usually always helps me. Going outside is usually such a relief. I feel like I can actually breathe again. That I’m not lost and that maybe, just maybe, I belong somewhere. That didn’t happen today. I felt awful. Something small happened with someone close to me and all of the sudden I felt like an idiot. I thought I was a fool for believing they care or they would ever choose to spend time with me. I thought everyone they saw was better than me and is more worthy of their time. Writing it down, it seems silly, but a part of me still believes it. I don’t like trusting and believing in people because I’m always waiting for them to fall.
So, since none of my healthy coping mechanisms work, I decided to go for wine. Sometimes wine works well, other times it fails miserably. I am hoping for success this time because it’s really hard feeling. It’s hard to listen to the voices that tell you how unworthy, unlovable, unbearable, uncool, unwanted you are. When you have to hear the voice that says that “yeah people say you can reach out to them but they just say that because that’s what they are supposed to say, they don’t want you to reach out to them.” It’s the voice that tells me to let relationships go because I only cause pain and hurt. It’s the voice that tells me how much of a burden I am. Sometimes I can fight those voices and challenge them. Other times, I can’t. I’m too tired. I’m giving up today. There’s only so much one person can do. I just need some peace and maybe, just maybe, today wine will bring that.
I know this isn’t healthy and I know this isn’t okay. But sometimes, I can’t keep trying my other mechanisms. I need to give up. I need to eat some salt & vinegar chips and forget about the world and my feelings for a night.