Better Than Me

I have this habit of thinking that I’m the worst. I often feel sorry for the people in my life and the fact they have to put up with me. I feel bad for the friends who hang out with me, the people I work with, and my family for being stuck with me. That sounds awful no? Thinking that you are a burden for everyone in your life. Every moment you are wondering what people are doing surrounding you. Wondering why people will be texting you. Questioning if people are your friends out of “pity.” On my struggle days is when I think this the most. I often cry thinking that everyone hates em and no one cares. I sometimes believe that it is best to run away and to live a life of solitude.

On days when I’m doing well, I don’t feel like this. I even convince myself that I’m a catch and worth everything. That maybe I’m an amazingly lovely woman. That maybe people should care about me and want to be around me. That is only on the good days, though.

Most days, I am somewhere in between. I go back and forth. One moment I’m feeling good about myself, then something small happens, just a little trigger, and I’m back to feeling like I’m the worst. I’m sensitive to others. This doesn’t bode well with anxiety and depression. I usually trust my intuition, but I often get that mixed up with anxiety and depression. I trust my gut when it tells me that I’m a mess up and push it aside when I feel good.

I like the days I’m doing well. I like the days when I can tell the difference between my gut and my anxiety and depression. The days when I don’t second guess myself and believe that I’m enough. I appreciate those days. I wish they came more.

I’m doing my best with the days I do have. Sometimes I turn to loved ones when I need reassurance. I wish I didn’t even need that, but sometimes I do. I’m learning to be okay with and learning how to believe in myself without outside validation. It’s a process, and I am getting there. Even now my low days aren’t as low as they used to be. So I keep moving forward and doing my best to give myself positive self-talk. The only thing I can do is tackle one day at a time.

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