I’ve been doing well lately, so that means I have less to write about. Or maybe it just means that I have to push myself to write more. That scares me. I love writing, but I use it to the most when I’m struggling. I use it when I have all these thoughts, and they have nowhere else to go. It’s just that lately, I’ve been able to handle them. Or I just have nothing new, and I’m managing. Do I still get insecure, scared, lacking energy? Absolutely. But it’s less. It has been less intrusive and demanding. Words of pain are no longer pouring out of me like the use to.
I am proud of myself for doing better. I am proud of myself with hurting others less. I am proud that I am being productive lately and exploring. But it’s intensely scary as well. What if I can only write when I’m depressed and anxious? What if this is all I am and without I’m boring? What if I lose anxiety and depression then I’ll have more of a chance to get hurt (yes, I probably think that because of anxiety and depression)? What if this is it. I’m good now. I’m usually happy now. So now my life will be this. No new excitement. No despair. No drama. Just contentedness. Just live day in and day out. Go through the motions like I’m supposed to, and that’s all there is to it.
Trust me; I get it. I get how twisted that is.
“Sylvia, just because you are healthy now doesn’t mean your life will be boring.”
“Sylvia, the ‘excitement’ anxiety, and depression brought to your life were toxic.”
Yes, yes, everyone I know this all. I know that now that I’m less depressed and anxious that I have more time to be happy and go out and explore life in a new and healthy way. I will be able to connect more with others. I will be able to open up. I will be able to do more things.
I honestly don’t know if I’m the only one who feels like this not. Almost being scared to get better, because I don’t know who I am without depression and anxiety making most of the decisions. I know I don’t like me when they do take control, but what if I don’t like me after they retreat? What if it’s not my depression lying to me and telling me people don’t like me, care about me and that I’m worthless- but it’s the truth, and I just used depression as an excuse?
I also know, that just because I’m feeling better now, doesn’t mean I will always feel okay. I will probably have weeks where it all comes tumbling back and go back down to the bottom of the well. It’s never a straight line. I’m currently feeling well, and I just am not sure where that’s going to lead me too. I knew what to expect when I was anxious and depressed, but now everything is in the open. So what happens next?