Someone a few years ago told me: “I feel bad for anyone who ever has to date you.”
Since then I haven’t been the same. I feel the guilt to this day for any person who “puts”up with me. You MUST be an angel for how can anyone honestly stick around for me? I screw up all the time. I push too much. All too often my insecurities take over. I do my best to stay calm, but it doesn’t always work. So thank GOD for you, because you must be the one who saves me. All of these things cross my mind weekly. I put myself down all too often. I allow this one statement from my past to determine my future and find myself putting others on a pedestal.
I have been doing better. Heck, dare I say that I was PROUD of myself. It’s been awhile since I had an anxiety attack. I haven’t picked a fight in a while. I haven’t been irrational in a while. I haven’t cried in a while. Holy cow, right? Those are HUGE accomplishments for me. Honestly, there have been weeks when I thought I wouldn’t be able to do any of those things. But I have. I swear to you I have. I’m making progress, but I am probably still the worst. I have some, maybe not the best, qualities about me. Anxiety and depression cause most of it. It makes dating hard because dating requires trust, which at times, is still a hard concept for me to grasp.
It’s not all I am. I like to think that the people who stick around see that, even when it’s hard to believe in. I swear I have some lovely qualities, which are me, but they just aren’t here all the time. Sometimes when I let them out, anxiety and depression shame me back into hiding. But I’m still here, I promise. My lovely pieces are screaming to get out and be heard. They want to say “I promise you, anxiety and depression aren’t all I am! Show them, Sylvia, show them.” How great would it be if I could just listen? Let it go and breathe. Be me wholeheartedly with no shame or hesitation. How wonderful that would be. Maybe then, I wouldn’t be such a disaster to date.
But I care. I care a lot. I try really hard, and I promise I give things my all. I have loyalty, even for people who don’t deserve it. I work hard to be considerate of others. I try to go above and beyond, and maybe part of it is to make up for all the shit, but even without all of that, I would probably still do the same thing. I will bend to make others feel comfortable and happy, even when sacrificing my comfort. Mostly, let me promise you all, I care. I care deeply about most people I meet. Even if I’m not a fan of you, I probably still care. For the ones I date, I extra care. I extra give my all and put myself all in, though my anxiety and depression mask this at times.
If you date me or are in my life, know that I care more than anything. I will be there for you. I may be a mess at times and hard to grasp, but I’m also pretty impressive. I know that sometimes it can be incredibly difficult to believe that when anxiety and depression have me hiding, but please don’t give up on me just yet.