I used to write a lot, but then I heard other people’s written words and I believed my writing couldn’t come close to comparing. I haven’t a written a lot since. None of my words seems to fit what I wanted to say. I wanted to write about what I would do if I weren’t afraid. Discuss how I would love and trust with no fear. I wanted to write about how it’s so easy to recognize and give in to the negatives of life. How easily I can see the things I fail at, and I’m afraid of instead of seeing where I excel. I wanted to write how we are all humans, and flaws and gifts are all part of that package, and we shouldn’t want it any other way. That if we excelled at everything, how boring life would be. Instead, I end up just staring at my screen, not understanding what I can write that can explain these feelings or ideas.
Today was a day of high anxiety. I have a lot of stresses happening in my life, and I can’t do much about them.I feel paralyzed in a world of moving parts. Lacking the ability to take hold of one stress and tackle that. Instead, I take on the world. I take on other people’s burdens and made up anxieties and address those first. Mostly, though, I just lay on my couch or work on a puzzle. I pray for distractions and for things to just fall into place without me lifting a finger. I’m stuck. I don’t know how to make the next move or even move forward anymore. I can’t write what I want to express. Or accomplish things I need to accomplish. We all have flaws, and this current roadblock is mine.
I’m sure I’m not the only one who deals with these type of barriers at times. When it all gets too much, sometimes we retreat. We decide to hide away because maybe it would be easier. You are already feeling as if you are drowning and can’t breathe, so you choose not to fight. I got to that point this weekend. I felt powerless and hopeless with a couple of things happening. But even though I’m at a roadblock, I kept doing my best to move. I grocery shopped. I cleaned my apartment. I cooked dinner. I worked on a puzzle. As you can tell, I also wrote even though I feel like it’s garbage. I came up to a roadblock, but I kept going in my own way. Maybe I didn’t take on what caused that roadblock in the first place, but hey at least I kept moving. I’ll count that as a win.