Here’s the thing, my mind won’t stop. You may think you know what I mean, but I’m really not sure that you do. I know that my anxiety brain takes over a lot. All these negative thoughts come swarming in. I try to do the work so that it won’t happen or I can move past it. I do my wellness tools, and I do my best, while it has gotten better it still won’t stop.
Terrible things that haven’t happened yet or will never happen feels like they already have. In every situation, I think of the worst possible outcome, and that’s the only one that could possibly happen. I sit crying in my apartment mourning relationships or being distraught over situations that haven’t occurred. And I know they haven’t occurred, and I know there is a slim chance of it actually happening, but that doesn’t counter anything. So basically I know I’m being irrational, and I need to move on, but it’s never easy.
There’s a constant piece of me that holds on to these beliefs. I have a list of every negative thing I am– all the words that have been said to me throughout the years that stung, all the things I call myself and I look at my list. Yes, this is slightly masochist of me, but I can’t help it. This list is proof that all my fears are valid. No one will ever want to stay because look at these qualities you are: weak, selfish, a burden, unlovable, defensive, spoiled, a pusher, stubborn, loud, obnoxious, destructive and blah blah. Honestly, the list goes on. When thinking of good qualities I am, I came up with four. Yes, four. I feel and speak, I am mostly kind, and maybe I’m funny? I took ten minutes to write my negatives and thirty minutes to write those FOUR positives. Yeah, this is distorted thinking and it’s not okay. But even tonight, I tried to think of more positive and I couldn’t.
If I, the person who knows myself best, can’t even come up with reasons for people to stay – why would others choose to stay? It makes zero sense to me. So I cry, even though the people I mourn are still here because I feel in my bones they won’t be here for long.
Last winter, I fell in my deepest darkest hole I could imagine. I wasn’t sure I could ever make it out. Every day, I was only just surviving. I didn’t know what else to do. I took sleep medication to sleep because I didn’t want to have the ability to think. Yes, I know that is not healthy. I am SO scared of going back to that place. And this pain I feel, mourning the losses that haven’t happened, is just a small piece of what I felt last winter and I can’t go back there.
So I get in this predicament. I can’t live a life alone. I’m pretty sure my anxiety won’t allow that, but at the same time, my anxiety doesn’t allow me to get close and trust others either. I need to control everything, and if I can’t then I predict the worst, because how could others choose not to hurt me? I know that sounds silly, but it’s something I believe. It’s frustrating when you get that something is irrational and you wish you could just stop, but a substantial piece of you won’t let that happen. I want to trust. I want to live. I want to try new things. I want to be confident. Mostly, I want to be happy overall. And sometimes I can accomplish all those things, other times; I fall apart. Today is one of those fall apart days, where my anxiety is pushing me back inside my bubble. Telling me to let everyone go because they will hurt me to my core so what’s the point?
So it ends up being a choice, and some days that choice is hard to make. My choice is to be brave and let people in. Some days I am not good at that. I push people away and lash out. Other times I hold on too tight, and they cannot breathe. But if I let them go would they choose to stay? I can’t force them to stay, though. Maybe some people will keep showing up, and those people are worth all the hurt and anxiety.