When I experience a trigger, all hell breaks loose. I’m still not great at taking a step back especially when that trigger is fresh or touches the heart. When I mean that trigger is fresh or touches on my heart, is that it’s something that knocks on my core. Something that I feel as if I am being picked apart. An event that maybe I still repeat every day. Or a person who keeps doing the same negative shit and keeps popping up. If someone says something about a topic like that, it feels like a slap in the face. I will probably end up saying stuff that I shouldn’t say. I will probably break down in tears for a half hour or so. I will probably yell and swear and say things like “screw you.” Yeah – not the best way to get my hurt across. I see these as my “irrational” brain acting out. My emotions take over, and I lack a filter. Like I said, all hell breaks loose.
Then the calm comes. Then, sometimes I see my irrational fears as exactly that, irrational. Other times, however, that’s not the case. Sometimes what is giving me anxiety and fear, is rational. Any other person, even if they didn’t struggle with anxiety and depression, would be feeling the same way. But since I acted badly when I first dealt with these emotions, I can become easily dismissed. It’s frustrating because even though I may see why that person would dismiss me, it doesn’t change what I am feeling.
There’s also the situation in where people don’t agree with what I feel so they feel like nothing needs to change. There’s a quote in a Louie CK episode where he says “when a person tells you that you hurt them, you don’t get to decide that you didn’t.” So awesome, say that you are sorry I am hurt but keep doing the same thing and expecting a different result from me. I try to be accommodating. I try not to hurt people, and I do my best to understand the way people are feeling. If I hurt someone, even if I didn’t mean to or do not understand why I will do my best to figure it out and try not to hurt them again especially if that person is important to me. So that’s something else that is hard for me to be okay with, is invalidating someone’s feelings. That’s one of the most harmful things you can do to a person- make them feel like they don’t have a right to feel a certain way and then try to convince them they are wrong just because you don’t “get” it.
So overall, I act irrationally, yes. I own up to that. I say and do things I shouldn’t do when that “side” of me takes over. However, just because I can act irrational, it doesn’t mean that everything I feel is irrational. So sometimes, give me the benefit of the doubt and believe in me. Be on my side sometimes. I need it