He’s Probably a Psychopath: First Dates with Anxiety and Depression

I always had a weird mentality of going on first dates. Everyone has some nervousness usually before you go on a date with a person for the first time – it’s pretty typical I think. I have been on my share of first dates. Sometimes anxious or depressive thoughts can easily take over a few days before first dates. Other times, I was not worried until I arrived or was on my way. The two inner dialogues below is a quick overview of what can be in my mind the moments before the infamous first date.

The dialogue with pieces of me:

Anxiety: You know he’s never going to choose you, right? He’s probably dating ten other girls right now. What if he’s a psychopath? He’s going to kill you. You still have to go, though. If you don’t you’ll end up alone and have seventeen cats – is that what you want?

Depression: What’s the point? We probably should just stay in bed. Going to end up alone anyway with seventeen cats- they’ll just eat you after you die, so no one has to clean up your dead body. You’re not worth it.

Child: He’s cute. He can be your prince charming. You should go. You’re going to marry him at a castle. Maybe he’s a secret prince.

Warrior: You know what, I bet you can do better. He better treat you like a queen and not hold you back. You deserve the world.

Current Adult Self: Can we all take a step back and look at this “normally.” Yes, okay anxiety, all those things are small chances, but they are mostly likely not true. He’s a “regular” guy. If I don’t go, I’ll find someone else. This date isn’t an end all. Depression- you’re worth it, and you are worth trying. Child and warrior, like I said – let’s take a step back and try to trust in the process of life.

Okay- now here is my inner dialogue walking into a first date:

You were going to move your car closer to the restaurant, but you just had to leave it there. You walked all the way to the restaurant before you had to turn around and move your car again because it gave you freaking anxiety. Idiot. So now you get there late- running in looking like a fool. He already finished half of his beer. Oh god, you’re hungry. Is he going to order food? Did he already order food? Okay- concentrate – stop thinking of food for once. Okay – awkward hug- and a “nice to meet you.” Now everyone knows it’s a first date and an online one at that. Dammit. Everyone is going to judge you, you know. Why did you agree to this? You could have just gone home and laid in bed and did nothing. Escape in a novel, but no, you had to agree to go on a first date to “get yourself out there.” What a load of crap. You could have been perfectly happy alone forever. Oh god, I wonder what he is thinking. Probably that I’m a rude bitch because I showed up twenty minutes late- but dude I swear I was early. I can’t explain that to him thought—keep that crazy in. Oh my gosh – you’re crazy – even if you can convince him that you’re not- that crazy will drive him away. Oh, my – this poor guy – he has no idea what he is getting himself into. I hope I don’t destroy him as I did with what’s-his-face. Go home. No one is worth your pain. Okay – calm down – you’re lovely – he could be lovely – everything is lovely.

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