Do you ever just hate yourself a tiny bit? Or maybe a whole lot? Maybe, everything feels awful, and there’s no point. That’s me today. A lot of stuff has been happening. A LOT. With work, school, personal life, and life in general. It’s a lot for me to take on. But I just don’t take on my stuff; I take on everyone else’s. I hear about what someone is going through, and I feel their pain. I can imagine what they must be feeling. Then on top of it, let us add having a bad cold and PMS just for fun. So here we have the golden recipe for a breakdown: anxiety, depression, being sick, PMS, personal issues, work issues, life issues… okay, all the issues, and self-loathing.
When I’m dealing with all these obstacles, I can easily break. Down in the trenches, I am often alone. No one really wants to be there with me. I mean, I can’t blame them. It’s not fun. I lash out. It can be stressful. I can be mean. If only they knew the battle that is happening in my head. The pain I am feeling. If only they had just a little bit more empathy. But like Brene Brown said, empathy is scary. You have to put yourselves in that person’s shoes, and why would you want to do that if the other person is falling apart? People would much rather hear about what I went through. Hear about how I cried for an hour which almost made me throw up. Or how I couldn’t move off my floor for two hours. They are okay with hearing how I feel like I’m nothing. But no one wants to be there when it’s happening — again, I get it. It’s just hard for me too, because I have been fighting this battle on own for so long – there is only so much more I can take.
I think I’m doing better. Today I broke so I hated myself a bit. I want to perfect. I want to be the cool girl who can hide her feelings and insecurities. Times like these, I wish I wasn’t the “what you see is what you get” type of girl. I wish I were the girl that could easily adapt to others. Look at them and know who they want me to be and then be able to be it. I wish I could go with the flow. I wish my thoughts would stop. I wish I could think rationally all the time. I wish I were braver and more talented. Mostly, I wish I could be okay with myself and my life. I’m none of those things.
I will always wear my heart on my sleeve. I will always try too hard. I will always be who I am because I don’t know how to do any differently. I will always look for others perspectives. I will never be overly-confident. I will always be a little bit scared. Anxiety and depression will always be a part of me. I see that they are coming up less and less now, but days like today happen, and I just want to give up.
Then I realize where everything brought me. I try to understand what makes me- me and be okay with that. Today that was hard to accomplish. Other days, hopefully, it will be a little bit easier.