People in my life aren’t a fan of me when anxiety and depression take over. I don’t blame them – I am a complete asshole. I lash out. I accuse. I break down. I have no room for rational thoughts. Granted, I am getting better at controlling them now though, but I’m not perfect. However, I am also not a fan of these pieces of me. I need to repeat that- pieces of me. It isn’t me. When I do act the way anxiety and depression cause me to act, I hate me. I’m not proud of it. I know I shouldn’t be acting the way I am, but I can’t always control it. I do not identify with the person I am during those times. I do not like it, and I do not wish for that to define me.
I hear people tell me you are what you do not what you say. I can’t even argue with that. I act like a big butt – but I am also taking the time and effort to become better. I try my hardest to control and do the things I need to do to control it. I’m not always the best at it- but it’s a process.
I need to remind myself and others, that anxiety and depression are not who I am. Yes – it can cause me to be an asshole at times – but it’s not all of me. I am also a graduate student, daughter, sister, aunt, girlfriend, friend, etc. I also care way too much and will give my all to help others. I always give people second chances and don’t quickly write people off. I’m loud and can be considered obnoxious. I do my best to be nice to everyone. Sometimes I need time to hide away. I make weird jokes. I have magical moments as well as tragic ones.
When people try to define me by my anxiety and depression, I have to take a step back, because sometimes I do it too. I am sure everyone has negative qualities that they aren’t proud of, but mine just happen to be diagnosable. Being define by things that even you hate about yourself is defeating at times. But trust me when I tell you, I am so much more than that.