Last week, I was sick, and I acted like an asshole. You know when you’re sick, and you are just completely out of it? That thinking clearly is just way out of the picture. So add that to having anxiety and depression and already having a bad week. Never a good mix. I wrote a blog post about that last week (link).
But this weekend I BREATHED. Maybe that will sound strange to some. “Breathing? Sylvia, you have to breathe to survive”. Okay yes- I breathe air into my lungs to survive- but this weekend I breathed to live. What is the difference you may ask? Well, surviving is getting up and doing what you have to do just get things done. It is putting one foot in front of other, hiding away, feeling anxious, and not being able to do anything rather than just survive. Living is when you do things that make you content, challenged, feel free, and at peace. It’s when you don’t necessarily listen to your negative or anxious thoughts. It’s when you can actually take a step back and enjoy life instead of just rushing through it.
It has been five days since I had my last “freak out.” Yes, I’m counting because it’s just satisfying to have actual “data” of how I’m progressing and I like how I am held accountable – makes everything more concrete. So yes, I survived a weekend with no freak outs. I did this all while being outside my comfort zone, seeing new people, being in new situations, and exploring. Holy crap, right?! I breathed. I didn’t feel a constant weight on my chest. I was able to sleep. I was able to move and do things I wanted to do without letting anxiety or depression stop me.
This week is going to be hectic. A lot of obligations and a lot of work. I am hoping I can continue this streak and not have another “freak out” but only time will tell.
One more thing. Sometimes when I write, I think I show things are simpler than they are. Challenging myself and not listening to negative or anxious thoughts, are not easy. It requires a lot of strength. On bad days, I’m too fatigued to try. Other days, I’m great at pushing myself and doing my best. It’s okay to forgive yourself on your bad days. It’s okay to have bad days. I have them. We all do. I believe it is important not to give in. To challenge those negative or anxious beliefs a little bit more because you’re worth it. You’re worth the challenge. So worth it.