I still have moments of high anxiety and depression. I have to think of it every day and remind myself of what I need to do to control it. With that said, I am doing much better than where I was since I was twenty-one. Honestly – this is the happiest – or maybe a better word would be the most content- I have been with my life since my early twenties.
For a long time, I rarely felt real happiness. Life was merely surviving. It was hard to keep going because I was in a tough place in my life and didn’t know how to move forward. When I was not feeling well, I consistently bought stuff online. It gave me something to look forward to. It kept me going. Maybe that’s sad. Okay, it is sad. But it did give me at least something to keep going, and that’s all I needed.
I was always looking for things to make me feel special. Looking for some type of proof that my life wasn’t as bad as I thought it was. This was when I took photos of everything. “Here everyone on social media! Look how amazing my life is. I have such a great boyfriend. Look at all these things we are doing. I’m happy. I swear.” Yeah… there was a lot of behind the scenes of those photos that no one ever knew. They didn’t know about fights. The name-calling. The crying. The anxiety attacks. All I showed and took pictures of were those small moments where I could bear to smile and pretend, just so I could prove to the world, which in turn would validate me, that my life choices were right. But they weren’t. I eventually couldn’t pretend anymore. I got myself out of that life situation and moved forward.
Even when I did move on, I still had major struggles. It was a difficult time with anxiety and depression taking a firm hold. But because of that hold, I noticed those pieces of my mind and finally did something about it. The next few months were a rollercoaster for sure, but I finally feel like I have a good grasp of who I am, what I want, and what makes me well.
There is a point to this entire conversation. All those things that use to give me this superficial happiness, no longer occupy my mind or time as much. I no longer buy things online every week. I only buy things I need, and I have been donating a lot more. I no longer post on social media to get validation from others. Yeah, I still post on social media – but I post the good and the bad. The moments where I am happy, and the moments I fall apart. Everything is out there because that’s my life. My life isn’t perfect, and I will never pretend it is. But I am content, and that’s what matters.
I was thinking of all these topics today because it is my birthday and it feels weird. I took the time last night and today to analyze these feelings I was having. Why was I feeling weird? What was causing this? What is the remedy? Eventually, I realized that I was finally content in my life and I didn’t need a day to make me feel special. I use to look forward to this because my birthday was a day that was mine. I could finally do what I wanted to do and look for my needs. Now I do that all the time. Am I happy I survived another year on this earth? You bet. Do I need a day to make me feel special that I survived? Not really.
I don’t think this is a bad thing. I like it being my birthday. I enjoy having my friends around and making plans to celebrate this thing we call life. It is so important to show appreciation, and this is a great day to do just that. Having people take the time out of their day to wish you happy birthday is a great feeling, even if it’s just on Facebook or a text message or a phone call. All of that is significant and important, and it means more to me than they know. But I feel good on all the other days of the year as well, and that is probably more important.