I gave a warning to that person in my life. “I’m going to suck this week FYI.” He probably saw that coming. This week is my last week at my internship. I have been here since August. The ending of this internship brings me another step closer to being able to graduate from graduate school. This internship gave me experience that I needed in my field. More than that though, I have developed close relationships with people here. People I am going to miss when I leave. People who have been in my life for the past nine months – which may be trivial to some but to me it’s a long time. I will no longer be seeing them every day. I will no longer be able to give them updates about my life to gain their input. I have also been in this internship for almost the entirety of my current relationship. Who am I outside of this? Will I change when this is over? Will I no longer be worthy of this relationship? Then my life questions. Trying to understand what I gained from this internship and where I can move from here.
I’m not going to be working working for the next few months. I am going to concentrate on some things that I have been neglecting the past few months. A part of me is really looking forward to that. I need that. My mental health has been dwindling lately. But – who am I without my job? Am I failing at life? Am I missing something? It’s a struggle. The fear of applying to jobs also begins of not being good enough or never finding one.
My life is changing at the end of the week. I am finishing one chapter and opening another. I have no idea what to expect. Will I blossom in the next few weeks or fall apart under the pressure and time? It’s scary. I’m terrified. I think I’m semi-good at playing it off. I can pretend that I’m all confident. It’s all show. I’m going to try my hardest to do what I can, but I’m scared what these months will do to my mental health.
Will free time help my anxiety and depression or will it cripple it? All these life changes are a process. It will take time to heal from the loss I am experiencing from ending my internship, while also relishing in the possibilities of the future.
I have some other friends who are going through similar steps as me. Making a life change is scary for all. It’s not just because I am struggling with anxiety and depression that makes this hard. Everyone has hard times with these pieces of life. Anxiety and depression may just exacerbate the fear. Anxiety has me question every decision. Did I make the right choice? Is this all a mistake? Am I going to regret this in the future? Am I just repeating my same mistakes? What will happen? Depression leaves me less hopeful for the future. It says things like I will never be good enough to succeed and the next few months will be a disaster.
Depression and Anxiety are not easy to fight when I’m in the midst of change. My mood will fluctuate often. I’m aware and will be working hard this week (and probably next to be honest) on controlling it. Something that is holding me strong is this decision is that I’m doing this for me. I made the decision I did because I wanted to do it. I am scared, but I’m not letting that hinder what I feel is best for me. I’m not making this decision for anyone else. I lived a life before making decisions based on what I’m supposed to do or what people close to me thinks I should do. I am finally making a decision for me, and I am taking some comfort in that even with anxiety and depression surrounding me.