How do you know what the right decision is? How do you know what option is best? I have all these voices in my head telling me one thing or the other. Telling me what would be best for me or what would make my life a complete mess. Sometimes I can almost hear my own voice poking through the madness – but the mass always seems to drown it out. So I never know. Is it anxiety telling me to step back or is it my voice? Am I succumbing to my fears or am I just realizing what I like or don’t like? Do I really not like these things or is it because I don’t feel like I’m “good enough” to do them?
What is right, here? There is no right way to live a life. Some people want a career. Some people want a family. Others want adventures. It seems like if you are in one pod – it is hard to dive into the others – it will more likely be a toe dip. People say you can have it all – but I’m calling out their bull shit. I can’t imagine doing it all. I don’t even know if I want it all. But is it me saying that or is that other people telling me that and I just want to please? I swear I wanted these things before, but what if I was just a fool and a dreamer then. So sometimes I think I want to live up to society – get a steady job, have a family, and be content with that – but again – who is telling me that? Society or myself?
As you can see, my anxiety brain is taking over. It easily wins when I have to make decisions, and there is not a clear-cut answer. I find myself asking advice from everyone in my life, instead of listening to myself. Probably because I can’t even hear my own voice and what the hell do I know? I don’t trust my judgments with most things, especially with the unknowns. Oh, my- those unknowns. How they constantly ruin everything. When I make a decision, and I am happy with it, infamous anxiety chimes in with something I do not know and that unknown something can ruin it all. But if I make the other decision- another unknown shows up. It’s basically a no-win situation, where I’m screwed no matter what I do. Instead of making a decision I become paralyzed. Not knowing what is best for me. It takes over, and I sit on my couch staring into nothing or texting everyone I know to tell me what to do.
This is when I become fed up. I’m tired of being a slave to the unknowns. I’m tired of listening to every voice but my own. I’m tired of not knowing what I want. I’m mostly tired of being paralyzed. So tell me, please, how to quiet the noise. How to find the piece I’m missing. The piece that will put my life together. Because currently I’m scared and I don’t know how to move forward.