“I don’t want to earn a living, I want to live.” – Oscar Wilde
In Vermont this weekend, my peers are presenting their master research and graduating with their master’s degree. Sometimes I think I should have been there this week, but I’m not. Sometimes I beat myself up over this fact. I think that I should have moved faster. I should have worked harder. I should have done more. I beat myself up because I’m not as far ahead as maybe I could be. As I saw pictures today of my peers who I am so proud of, I stopped and thought about my own life. Where I am. Where I am heading. What the heck I am doing. Is what I am doing working? Mainly, am I happy?
When I take that time to look at my life, I find that I am satisfied. That I currently wouldn’t want my life any other way. I’m glad that I am currently taking the time to enjoy my life. I am working hard and getting stuff done for my career and schooling, but I am also having a life beyond that. I am not rushing through it. I am not rushing to get to the next step in my life. I am not thinking of where I could have been if only I worked harder. If I only stayed up later writing my thesis. You know what, I don’t think my mental health could have even handled that. And that’s okay.
I’m not living anyone else’s life, and I shouldn’t pressure myself too. Some people are happy to be driven in that piece of their life. And that’s okay too. I’m just not motivated in that way, and honestly, that’s probably semi due to anxiety and depression. I want to be able to enjoy life and not always worry about every single aspect of my life. Anxiety makes this difficult, and that is why I make the conscience effort to enjoy things and remind myself of the positive and live in the now. If I get caught up in where I could be or what I should be doing, I lose my present life.
I refuse to rush through life because my anxiety and depression constantly try to trick me do so. I don’t want to be a slave to anxiety and depression, just like I don’t want to be a slave to other’s expectations. I don’t want to rush through life. I want to do my life my way which means no rushing.