Anxiety, Depression, & the Past

Lately, I have been feeling alone, scared, lost, and frustrated in most aspects of my life. I haven’t really been sure what to do about it. There’s a lot of big decisions in my life coming up, and I’m having a hard time trying to figure out what I want. Looking beyond what others think I should do, what society thinks I should do, what friends think I should do – but being able to look at myself for the answers. It’s something I never really been good at. There’s a whole post about making decisions with other’s thoughts in your head here. The point of this one is how my past influences this. I keep remembering people telling me things such as “You don’t know what you’re doing,” “You’re doing it wrong!”, “You’re really annoying you know,” or “I can’t handle your shit anymore” – for just a few examples.

I find these coming up in my current relationships. When I feel as if there is any chance of my feelings being invalidated, like they were so much in the past, I break. I’m not sure if it’s actually happening currently or my past experiences are just influencing my take on it. It can also happen in a moment of insecurity. Those moments when my weaknesses are at the forefront. It can also be during a time of vulnerability in relationships. Where I am taking a risk in sharing my feelings or an insecurity and the situation doesn’t go as I thought it would. These are the moments when flashbacks can come to the forefront of my mind and influence my current situation and relationships.

So how do you explain this? How do you explain the reason why I fall apart at that particular moment. How things that happened in the past still feel completely real. How you wish you could just put it off your head, but it’s as if you have no control of what your mind does. How sometimes you can’t even explain why you are acting why you’re acting. How you see it’s ruining everything, but it doesn’t matter.

I’m improving. It hasn’t been as much lately – I think. Sometimes it’s hard to tell – or how hard to see or hard to trust myself in these moments. Trying to figure out these pieces of me. Figuring out what causes my questioning myself and others. It’s the wondering if you actually know what you want or what you are feeling. Are your feelings valid or are they stemming from something deeper, anxiety and depression? What do you do then? You’re still feeling what you are feeling; you can’t change that so quickly. How do I not know what I feel?  Aren’t I supposed to know myself by now and know what I want. It’s wondering if where I am is where I’m meant to be.

It’s an awful cycle. It’s becoming easier to pull myself out of it. Sometimes it just causes me to feel the need to run and hide away for a bit. Figure me out. It’s a process but worth it.

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