So I’m not exactly sure why, but today is hard. The anxiety came creeping back fast, and insecurity is currently flooding my mind. I’m now trying to figure out the trigger. If I could find the trigger, then I could handle it. Last week I had some personal problems in my life that came swarming. Then, okay this may sound stupid, but the weather. It has been sweltering the past few days, and last night I stayed at a place that had no air conditioning. Gosh, I know, I sound spoiled and ridiculous. But, nonetheless, it made me feel cluttered brain and disconnected. I forgot a friend’s birthday. I swear I had a good day yesterday though. I got to see my family, friends, and puppies, but still, I was “off” nonetheless.
Today I had to text two people in my life to make sure we were good. My boyfriend gets it once a day sometimes. He does his best to reassure me, and it helps. Today I also had to ask a friend. I even told my boyfriend that I was skipping something this weekend because I think everyone finds me annoying. Now I feel as if I need something from the people in my life. A little love and reassurance- more than normal. It feels stupid and unauthentic when you have to ask for it. Some people also think it’s attention seeking, so I hide.
I’m trying to learn how to self-soothe and remind myself of reasons to believe people do like me, so I don’t have to bother anyone. It’s hard on days like this. Sometimes I can do it, but today insecurities are taking over. So I watch a show, do a puzzle and try to relax, but I’m still stuck. So I text someone and then apologize and feel even more insecure.
Some days are harder than others. Sometimes anxiety takes control. Other days it is depression. Then comes good days when I can’t help but be happy. Then there are days where everything is just okay. Some days you can handle it yourself. Other days you can’t. I do not always know what triggers it. Sometimes this whole process is hard and confusing. Keeping track of it can be tough. It doesn’t make sense, but I guess that’s kind of the point. That’s what they mean when they say it’s illness. Something is wrong.
Here’s the big thing though – something I can remind myself of all the time – it passes. These feelings I have can move along and soon enough I’m going to be the most confident person in the room – even when it’s not just me in it. Sunday I had some intrusive thoughts. Questions I wanted and thought I needed to ask. I left dinner with knots in my stomach. I didn’t ask one question. I handled it and was okay thirty minutes later. It’s better lately – now that I understand what my anxiety is like – but before it would not have worked out this way. Now I just repeat that this will pass which works sometimes and I think that’s something.