Anxiety Will Still Take Over at Times

So I’m not exactly sure why, but today is hard. The anxiety came creeping back fast, and insecurity is currently flooding my mind. I’m now trying to figure out the trigger. If I could find the trigger, then I could handle it. Last week I had some personal problems in my life that came swarming. Then, okay this may sound stupid, but the weather. It has been sweltering the past few days, and last night I stayed at a place that had no air conditioning. Gosh, I know, I sound spoiled and ridiculous. But, nonetheless, it made me feel cluttered brain and disconnected. I forgot a friend’s birthday. I swear I had a good day yesterday though. I got to see my family, friends, and puppies, but still, I was “off” nonetheless.

Today I had to text two people in my life to make sure we were good. My boyfriend gets it once a day sometimes. He does his best to reassure me, and it helps. Today I also had to ask a friend. I even told my boyfriend that I was skipping something this weekend because I think everyone finds me annoying. Now I feel as if I need something from the people in my life. A little love and reassurance- more than normal. It feels stupid and unauthentic when you have to ask for it. Some people also think it’s attention seeking, so I hide.

I’m trying to learn how to self-soothe and remind myself of reasons to believe people do like me, so I don’t have to bother anyone. It’s hard on days like this. Sometimes I can do it, but today insecurities are taking over. So I watch a show, do a puzzle and try to relax, but I’m still stuck. So I text someone and then apologize and feel even more insecure.

Some days are harder than others. Sometimes anxiety takes control. Other days it is depression. Then comes good days when I can’t help but be happy. Then there are days where everything is just okay. Some days you can handle it yourself. Other days you can’t. I do not always know what triggers it. Sometimes this whole process is hard and confusing. Keeping track of it can be tough. It doesn’t make sense, but I guess that’s kind of the point. That’s what they mean when they say it’s illness. Something is wrong.

Here’s the big thing though – something I can remind myself of all the time – it passes. These feelings I have can move along and soon enough I’m going to be the most confident person in the room – even when it’s not just me in it. Sunday I had some intrusive thoughts. Questions I wanted and thought I needed to ask. I left dinner with knots in my stomach. I didn’t ask one question. I handled it and was okay thirty minutes later. It’s better lately – now that I understand what my anxiety is like – but before it would not have worked out this way. Now I just repeat that this will pass which works sometimes and I think that’s something.

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4 thoughts on “Anxiety Will Still Take Over at Times

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  1. Sylvia… it sounds weird, but since I started juicing and consuming large amounts of fruits and vegetables every day, my anxiety and depression have decreased. Not so much decreased – they’re still there – but I feel much more grounded and like I have way better control of them. This In combination with the usual cannabis has me feeling mentally and physically better than I ever have. I eat vegan and gluten free and feel more clearminded than I ever have. If I go off the diet, I’m back to feeling moody and fogheaded.

    Message me if you want to talk more about this!

    Just some food for thought (lol literally). I think mental illness and physical illness are linked and symbiotic, at least they are in my experience.

    Hope you’re having a good day today ^^

    Liked by 1 person

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