After September third, I’m not sure what I’m doing with my life. It scares me completely. When my anxiety mind takes over, I see it as the end. I see all the light until that moment, and then my life is seen as darkness. After the beginning September, my life seems over. These beliefs also come on because of depression. The feeling of hopelessness is strong. I’m not able to concentrate. I have so much I want to get done, but not quite having the energy to do any of it. I have been looking at jobs, but not many have really grabbed my interest. I’m not even sure what I want to do with my life career-wise right now. At 27, I will be moving back in with my parents until I find a job, so I know where to live. It makes sense for me to do that. I know it does, but at the same time I can’t help but feel like a complete failure. I’m scared of getting stuck, and I’m scared that I will never get a job.
For the past few years, I have become used to working towards something. Working to get my bachelor’s degree. Working to get experience to get a job in the nonprofit world. Working on getting into graduate school. Working on finishing graduate school. Working at an internship to complete that phase of graduate school. Now working this summer on my thesis to be able to graduate. Then spending the few weeks after hopefully graduating traveling out west. Then I go back home with nothing waiting for me. No job and not having something to work toward.
I’m not sure if this fear comes from my own fears or societies. The push to succeed in your career. The drive to move ahead in life. The idea that you are supposed to be at a particular place in your life by the time you hit a certain age. I feel behind. I feel lost because I do not even know what I want. Shouldn’t I know by now?
It’s mainly the sense of being lost that gets me. I see people in my life figuring shit out. Having life goals. Having a job. Getting promotions, a pet, a house. Me, on the other hand, I’m just moseying around. Not quite sure what I’m doing. Not quite sure of my plan. I wish I could relish in these moments. See them as an adventure and enjoy it. I can sometimes live my life for me. I can enjoy having the free time to experience life. Every time I have a free moment to think, however, I have to fight the panic. Sometimes at night when I have nothing to distract me, I cry. It sounds pathetic, but it is releasing all my fears and stress. Part of me believes that my life will end after September 3rd. Not in a dramatic way, but in the sense that I can’t see my life after that. I have no idea what to expect, and I do not know how to handle it.
This anxiety and fear of the unknown with the career and living situation of my life is seeping into other pieces of me. It’s looking for all the cracks in my life and filling it with doubt. It becomes difficult to fight after a while. At times I just accept that darkness and see it as my life.
I was talking with a friend about wanting to live a simple life. I have never been the career hungry person that my brother or parents are. I want to have time to enjoy life. But this darkness is slowly eating. This fear. This anxiety. I know what I’m doing is okay and that it is normal to be scared, but that doesn’t make it go away. I want to see light past that moment. Just a little glimmer of the good things to come. Some plan. Some stability. Instead, it’s just me starting over and being lost once again.
I wish I could say I learned a lesson here and I figured out how to fully embrace the unknowns of life, but I haven’t. I’m struggling with it still. I have y moments where I’m enjoying life, but the fear and panic always return. The darkness is always there in that aspect of my life. I’m getting better at filling in those cracks with gold, but sometimes the darkness comes back. I guess that’s my current acceptance. Learning that unknowns will always be a part of life. I’m just not great at handling yet. But I’m starting to learn how and maybe that’s something.