When Anxiety and Depression Makes You Want to Stay Hidden

This past Friday, my anxiety, and depression were high. I received a rejection email from a blog website. This email triggered many negative thoughts. I was going to quit and give up. I figured what the point is in even trying? I was laying on my couch for a few hours after I received the email. I did not want to move. My thoughts didn’t want to stop. I had plans later that day to go biking with a friend. I did not think I would be able to move to make it. I was thinking of texting my friend and canceling.

A few hours after I received the rejection email, I received an email from a different blog site that they were going to post one of my blog posts. It felt good – granted not good enough to negate the rejection email but it helped. Part of me still wanted to cancel on my friend. How was I going to manage to get ready? I even had to bring my bike down three flight of stairs to go. I had to take off my front tire. I couldn’t picture it.

I didn’t want to let anxiety and depression win again. They can give all the two cents they want to my life. Fill my mind with negative thoughts. Tell me what to do. It would be easier to give in. To stay on my couch. To not move. I was self-aware enough to realize that. I realized that if I stayed, I was going to lose another battle in the war. If I went, I knew it would make feel better. I forced myself to get off the couch. Got changed. Dragged my bike downstairs. Drove to the bike trail and biked.

IMG_3943Did I also mention it was raining? Okay well drizzling at first but then it became a downpour. We were not expecting it. I had FUN. I was right. I felt better. Self-care sometimes means forcing yourself to do things that feel impossible. Doing things that you wish you didn’t have to do. Self-care is moving forward after every rejection. Self-care is accepting that you will sometimes lose but winning others. Maybe it’s not the success you expected or wanted, but it’s still a win. It’s realizing that sometimes rejection can become a blessing in disguise. I still have a life. I still have friends. I can’t let that prevent me from living.

The other day I wanted to fall apart and stay hidden. I had to force myself to move, but I moved. I biked in the rain. Got soaked and muddy. I had the best time. It helped remind me to celebrate the little victories. It’s remembering that sometimes moving when you want to stay paralyzed is the best thing you can do for yourself.

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