It’s a weird feeling when you are climbing a mountain and all of the sudden you have the urge to cry. Not because you are climbing a mountain, though your legs and feet were hurting are adequate reasons, but because of something, you held inside for a while. Things I have been trying to be okay with. Trying to convince myself that it doesn’t bother me, but they do. They really do. I found myself lashing out at people close to me because of this. Accusing them of doing the things that others have recently done to me. It comes down to never being chosen.
It’s the two friends deciding to leave recently. It’s the people who are actively mean to me, but people I think are my friend’s support. I hear everyone say it’s a reflection of them – not you, but what if they’re wrong. What if it is me? What if the fact that I’m never going to be 100% okay will mean that no one will be there for me? What if I’m such a fuck up no one will ever truly be my side? What if it will always be me against the world?
I read into the actions of people around me and take all of it to heart. My close friends liked photos of people who hurt me or are mean to me sucks. It hurts. It validates my fears. They think I’m crazy. They believe that I’m irrational. But I can only imagine if I were in their shoes I wouldn’t be doing that. So I see something, and I cry, and I react because all of this validates how much I should hate myself.
It’s a hard thing to let go. I try hard. I try my best to the best friend, sister, daughter, girlfriend, a person I can be but no matter how hard I try I constantly hear the voices of anxiety and depression tearing apart everything I am. I want to prove that I care about myself. To prove that I’m better, but I still get in this hole where it becomes tough for me to break free. So the people who originally wanted to be there for me, find it harder to harder to stick around, because, well because I’m the worst. I wish I knew a better way to handle it. To let go of the power that people have.
But with people always choosing anything but me- what’s the point in trying?