Finding self-love has always been semi-difficult for me. I have a lot of doubts in my head. A lot of questioning. I tend to think others are more worthy than I am. It’s a difficult thing to break through. Moving away from that is a struggle. Every time I think I’m there, something sets me back. Sometimes it’s spoken words. Or it’s people leaving. Or it could just be more reading into everything.
It’s tiring fighting the negative self-talk. Convincing myself that I belong somewhere and take up space. This happens daily. Bringing myself down. Hiding away. It’s not a fun or healthy way to live. I started on a journey to self-love a little more than a year ago, and I’m still not fully there. When I think about that, I feel like a failure – kind of the opposite of what I want. Little things happen throughout my life that set me back. I don’t see others as a reflection of themselves but a reflection of me. I take on other’s emotions instead of focusing on my own.
I don’t have the key to finding self-love. That might be what you were expecting from this post. If I had it, I would be there myself, but I’m not there yet, well not in your common understanding of self-love.
I love myself in the sense that I know I will always keep fighting – something I’m not sure I would always do. I love myself enough to let people go who do not want to be there for me. I love myself enough to find pride in myself. I love myself enough to go to therapy. I love myself enough that I’m starting to accept the love from others. I love myself enough rid myself of toxicity and negativity that serves no purpose. I love myself enough to go after my dreams. I love myself enough to trust my life.
These are all victories. These are all showing my self-love. My self-acceptance. This matters. I will always have insecurities or moments where I prefer to hide away because of them. I think it would be unrealistic to think otherwise. I’m on the journey to self-love with windy roads, detours, and beautiful open roads.