Last week I talked about my journey to self-love. How it can look a little different than what others might expect and how self-love looks for me with anxiety and depression always being there.
I have an issue with remembering this at times. My biggest issue is allowing myself to take up space. Last year, while I was in graduate school, we were visiting local universities. When I went to one, I hid in the back since there were no seats at the table. I found a seat in the back corner and decided just to stay there. I didn’t want to be a bother. I didn’t want other people to move their seats for me. In my mind, I felt that I didn’t deserve to be there as much as others. The all too common theme of not believing in my worthiness.
I still have this thought. On Sunday I ran in a 15K. I know I’m not the best runner. I ran steadily for all of the 15K, but it was at an 11-minute mile pace. That’s not great- I mean it’s not awful – but not great. I was with people who didn’t train and did a whole lot better than me. I was wearing bright green baggy shorts, a big white sports bra, and a bright pink loose tank-top. My point was it’s not like I looked “attractive.” I saw girls with their hair perfect and stylish. Wearing tight shorts, cute bras, and shirts. I felt like a poser. Like I shouldn’t be there. Who did I think I was? I no longer wanted to be there. I ran anyway. I have this idea in my head that if I’m not the best, then I’m not worthy. Not worth of what? You may ask. Not worthy of anything; not worthy of love, belonging, friendship, or sense of achievement.
As I was running, I fought with these thoughts. I realized that running this race was a huge deal for me. Simply finishing the race, is an achievement for me. I have never run 15K before. I should be impressed with myself and happy with knowing that. That knowledge should be worth something.
I still struggle with it. Even though I realize it, it becomes hard to fully accept it. I have come a long way since that day in graduate school. I take up space more and more now. Even writing this blog shows how far I have come. I take it easy. I take it a day at a time. I take up more space just a little bit more. I stopped apologizing so much. I’m slowly finding my self-worth. I’m nowhere near satisfied with where I am with it. I have come so far – I’m so happy to say that- but I still have space to grow – which is okay to recognize.