On To Discovering My Self-Worth

Last week I talked about my journey to self-love. How it can look a little different than what others might expect and how self-love looks for me with anxiety and depression always being there.

image1 (33)I have an issue with remembering this at times. My biggest issue is allowing myself to take up space. Last year, while I was in graduate school, we were visiting local universities. When I went to one, I hid in the back since there were no seats at the table. I found a seat in the back corner and decided just to stay there. I didn’t want to be a bother. I didn’t want other people to move their seats for me. In my mind, I felt that I didn’t deserve to be there as much as others. The all too common theme of not believing in my worthiness.

I still have this thought. On Sunday I ran in a 15K. I know I’m not the best runner. I ran steadily for all of the 15K, but it was at an 11-minute mile pace. That’s not great- I mean it’s not awful – but not great. I was with people who didn’t train and did a whole lot better than me. I was wearing bright green baggy shorts, a big white sports bra, and a bright pink loose tank-top. My point was it’s not like I looked “attractive.” I saw girls with their hair perfect and stylish. Wearing tight shorts, cute bras, and shirts. I felt like a poser. Like I shouldn’t be there. Who did I think I was? I no longer wanted to be there. I ran anyway. I have this idea in my head that if I’m not the best, then I’m not worthy. Not worth of what? You may ask. Not worthy of anything; not worthy of love, belonging, friendship, or sense of achievement.

As I was running, I fought with these thoughts. I realized that running this race was a huge deal for me. Simply finishing the race, is an achievement for me. I have never run 15K before. I should be impressed with myself and happy with knowing that. That knowledge should be worth something.

I still struggle with it. Even though I realize it, it becomes hard to fully accept it. I have come a long way since that day in graduate school. I take up space more and more now. Even writing this blog shows how far I have come. I take it easy. I take it a day at a time. I take up more space just a little bit more. I stopped apologizing so much. I’m slowly finding my self-worth. I’m nowhere near satisfied with where I am with it. I have come so far – I’m so happy to say that- but I still have space to grow – which is okay to recognize.

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