Here’s something I realized last year – anxiety and depression will always be a part of my life. Knowing this makes things easier, but also more challenging. It leaves me waiting for the relapse. Waiting for the moment when I crumble. Waiting for the moment when anxiety and depression retake control.
I’m doing well. Hadn’t had a “freak out” in a while. I use to become overwhelmed at the end of a long weekend of doing activities. I have been busy the last couple weekends, and I have been good. I have been able to self-soothe without depending on others to fix things for me. When triggers occur, I can control my emotions more. I take responsibility, and I move forward.
A few weeks ago when I had high anxiety, a person told me my actions “left a sour taste” in “their mouth” and that I needed “serious psychiatric help.” I cannot even describe how much those words stung me to my core. A person who I thought was a friend, who I thought had my back, said those words to me after a moment of high anxiety. I was there thinking I was doing well. I had a moment of high anxiety after an incredibly long and active day, but I was able to get it under control, and then I apologized for it.
Before that moment, I was feeling confident about my life and the direction of where I was heading with my mental health. Her words shocked me. Her words, telling me who I was and what I needed, without her knowing my full story killed me. It almost set me back. It almost had me questioning how well I thought I was doing. It almost had me questioning if I should even have people in my life who cared about me and stayed. It almost had me question who I was and what I deserved. I gave this person power of my mental well-being. I have done that before, and I didn’t want to have that again.
It left me waiting though. Waiting for the moment when I’m no longer doing well, and I destroy everything around me. Finding it hard with being happy and feeling like I’m moving forward because maybe that makes me more susceptible to falling back down. Learning how to be happy and being okay with it takes time. Being okay with having anxiety and depression doesn’t make me complacent. It doesn’t mean I’m giving up. Being okay with having anxiety and depression, will make me okay with being happy.
I’m doing well, and I won’t let anyone take that away from me. I’m happy. I’m content. The next few months will be difficult. Anxiety and depression might be overwhelming, and I might fall for a bit. It won’t be for long. I bounce back quickly now.
People think being happy is easy. It’s the best way to live. I find it difficult. I almost find it anxiety inducing. Waiting for the time when I screw up again. Finding it hard to be present in my happiness and my mental well-being. It’s giving back my power of self. It’s me. No one else can decide but me. So I’m deciding to own everything I am.