I use to love swimming. I spent most of summer days swimming in my parent’s pool. I could stay in there forever. Jumping in lakes was always a different story. I had a hard time being able to. Maybe it was fear. Maybe it was anxiety. I always loved the concept of lakes. I find them beautiful and serene, ideally surrounded by mountains. I just could never actually jump in.
Today I found myself laying outside at my parent’s house. It was hot. I moved to the pool to sit on the edge to put my feet in. When I finished my book, I wanted to go swimming. I felt the water – it wasn’t too cold, so I thought I could just jump in. I moved to the deep end and stood at the edge trying to gain the courage. I couldn’t do it though. I think it was the fear that I would forget how to swim. I haven’t swum in a long time, so what if I couldn’t and then I would drown? I ended up going in the shallow end. One step at a time until I felt comfortable enough to put my head under the water and swim into the deep end. As I should have known, I was able to swim. Then I was able to jump in. It felt great. I must have jumped in twenty times after that. The feeling of meeting up with the water and the sense of it surrounding you then you finally back it up for fresh air- that feeling was unbeatable at that moment. Yeah, it wasn’t a lake, but it was a start. I trusted myself. I swam.
At times, I find it hard to trust my own ability. To let go of my fear and anxieties and believe that I can accomplish anything. Today I was able to take a small step to believe in my ability a little bit more. Today it was a pool. This weekend it will be a river. Later this month it will be a lake out west. I can’t wait for the lake. I need mountains in the back and feeling the rays of the sun while standing at the edge of the lake. Being able to jump in. Trusting myself. Trusting the lake. And find some peace and a moment to enjoy life and have fun. I envision the mountains as the obstacles I crossed to get to that moment. To relish in the present of being in the company of freedom and peace.
I’m slowly gaining trust in my own ability back. It takes steps. It takes time. It takes trekking over mountains and attempting a full night of rest. It’s not always beautiful days. It’s not always peaceful moments. But being able to have a few of those in the moments of chaos and hardships, give me snippets of what it is like to make it and believe in my ability. Sometimes that’s exactly what you need.