What I Would Do If I Were Not Afraid

That’s easy – I would love and trust. My anxiety and depression hinder me from believing in myself. I am always one foot out the door, waiting for the drop that’s going to kill me. I’m waiting for people to leave, so I will never get too close. Getting hurt sucks. There is probably a more eloquent way to write that, but sometimes you just have to say it like it is. Getting hurt is the worst. Falling into a deep dark hole, and not understanding how you can survive it. I use to open myself up to others and believe in their feelings towards me. I found that I was often wrong. I believed in people too much that I was often blindsided by the hurt. I can see how melodramatic this may sound. How it may seem as if I’m playing myself a sad violin song, begging you to feel sorry for me. Here’s the thing though, I don’t want that. I’m not sharing this because I need people to pity me, but I want people to learn from me. Being afraid of love and trust has only hurt me in the long run. I stay so far away and so guarded against everyone, and I predict, oh my how I predict, everything that will go wrong. I make up these scenarios in my head just to torture myself, but I somehow think the more I foresee and picture it, the less of a chance there is for it to happen. By being consumed by these fears and these twisted ideas, I only hurt the relationships I had with people. Even being aware of this, there are pieces of me that can’t let that fear ago. I shake at the very thought of loving and trusting someone with something as breakable as my heart. I’m doing my best though. Every day it has become just a little bit easier. I may be shaking when I open myself up, but I’m still doing it.

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One thought on “What I Would Do If I Were Not Afraid

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  1. Sylvia, you write so well – so expressive.
    It’s clear you feel everything, some might say too much but how can our beautiful feelings be suppressed? I can relate to your phrase : “I believed in people too much that I was often blindsided by the hurt.” Not everyone is like you or me… just know that your faith in good hearts will return. It will always be a minefield out there, but one has to traverse it to get to the breathtaking lookout 🙂

    Like

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