I have to admit: I judge people. I don’t hold people to my judgments, but I do it. I think most people do. It’s human nature. First Impressions. Clothes. Outward attitude. It’s hard not to. You would think that my anxiety and depression would make it a little bit easier to have empathy for others. But my anxiety and depression would often mask it. My mind goes to the worse with everything in my life, including other people.
I usually try to remember the everyone fights their own battles. Many people don’t always share what they are battling. I have had people reach out to me and saying how they struggle with anxiety and depression. These are people that I would have never expected. I have had people who I have been not a fan of. Their actions and behaviors rubbed me the wrong way, for a good reason, so I wanted to remove them from my life. Then I learn something new about them, and they open up about something they are struggling with, and things make a different type of sense. I give people chance after chance to prove me wrong.
This judgment goes both ways. I may think I can’t be friends with a person because they look “too cool” for me. There’s this girl I met on Bumble BFF (don’t judge me). Just by our conversations, pictures, and bio in the app, she seems really cool and pretty. Then I look at myself. I look at the mess I am. I look at the inner workings of my mind. I feel like an imposter. I feel like I’m not good enough to be friends with her, so I haven’t texted her. She could be struggling with stuff just like me. She has flaws just like me. I’m sure her life isn’t perfect. But I stay away because I judged her which led me to not feeling good enough. Honestly, who does that? I am judging someone so quickly, and yeah this may be in a good light, but what does it do for me? Make me feel small. Keep me hidden. That’s not a life I want to live.
I don’t like not liking people. I don’t like assuming the worst in people. I don’t like assuming that everyone else is so much better than me. It’s not who I want to be. Anxiety pushes me to see the worst in others or myself (whichever is more convenient) and isolate myself.
I don’t want to judge others. I don’t want to put my perceptions of who they are on them. Yes, not everyone is a good person, and I won’t click with everyone. I have to know that’s okay. I also have to know it’s okay to give people chances, which I have. I have people in my life currently that I initially was very nervous around. I was not feeling good enough. I felt guilty that I was taking up space around them. I felt bad that they had to spend time with me. Thank goodness I moved on from that for some of my now friends, because I would never have had the chance to learn new things about them. To have experiences with them. To have fun. To be able to my anxiety go. To be me with them. To be free.
I’m vowing to let judging others go. To remind myself that I don’t know everyone’s story. To give me and others the chance to share our stories. I will continue to give people chances. I will continue to give myself chances. I will forgive myself when I judge. I will not hold onto my judgments. I will continue to give people chances because it can lead to something great and that’s worth the risk.