I Want to Define Me: “No wonder why no one likes you”

Today I decided to declutter. My mind has been a mess lately, and I have been trying really hard to combat that. When I was decluttering (physically and mentally), I found some things from my past. One thing I found was a notebook that had some scratch notes on it. These notes were the after effect of a fight I had with an ex-boyfriend.

What the note said:
“Can’t help you
Can’t help myself
It’s okay
Lost Confused
Scared Hurt
Help
No one there
You push
You idiot
No wonder why no one likes you
You annoying piece of shit
Nothing
No one cares
Run run away”

A lot of these things is what my ex said to me during the fight. After a few years, I started to believe him. It became ingrained into me. I talked to my friend today about brainwashing. Where you start to lose your sense of self. I started believing in this idea of who I was based on what this person told me. I believed that I should shut up. I believed that I was crazy. I believed I was a burden. I believed I wasn’t good enough or worthy of anything. I still hear his words in my head, years later. His words haunt me. I allowed myself to believe them, instead of seeing them for what they are: bullshit.

Now, it’s been a few years since then, but I still feel the effects some days. I feel it when I question what I feel. It took me a long time to accept and trust my instincts. I still have difficulty with it at times. For a long time, I let others define me. Tell me who I am. I molded so well into other people’s lives. I had dreams and wants, but I pushed them aside to make others happy. In the end, that can only increase my insecurity and anxiety and depression. I was okay with it though.

Since then anxiety and depression have been part of my identity. It has defined me for a very long time. Letting go of that piece of myself can be tricky. I let this person define who I was. I let anxiety and depression define who I was. I want to define me. I want to follow through on my promises. I want to listen to my instincts. I want to be the person I dreamt of being. The person I know I can be.

image1 (51).JPGDon’t get me wrong; I think I’m pretty great right now. I have a lot of things going for me. But I have some major flaws that I’m not okay with. Faults that are not okay and healthy. For a really long time, I blamed that relationship for my headspace and issues. I blamed failed friendships and relationships on it. I saw the scars and kept reopening them to use them. Instead, I need to stop the bleeding and allow myself to heal. Fully heal.

I need to learn what makes me- me. What makes me happy. What I enjoy. Discover me. Go on dates with me. I don’t want another person to define me. I don’t want another person to make me whole. I want to be complete on my own.

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