Today I decided to declutter. My mind has been a mess lately, and I have been trying really hard to combat that. When I was decluttering (physically and mentally), I found some things from my past. One thing I found was a notebook that had some scratch notes on it. These notes were the after effect of a fight I had with an ex-boyfriend.
What the note said:
“Can’t help you
Can’t help myself
No one there
No wonder why no one likes you
You annoying piece of shit
No one cares
Run run away”
A lot of these things is what my ex said to me during the fight. After a few years, I started to believe him. It became ingrained into me. I talked to my friend today about brainwashing. Where you start to lose your sense of self. I started believing in this idea of who I was based on what this person told me. I believed that I should shut up. I believed that I was crazy. I believed I was a burden. I believed I wasn’t good enough or worthy of anything. I still hear his words in my head, years later. His words haunt me. I allowed myself to believe them, instead of seeing them for what they are: bullshit.
Now, it’s been a few years since then, but I still feel the effects some days. I feel it when I question what I feel. It took me a long time to accept and trust my instincts. I still have difficulty with it at times. For a long time, I let others define me. Tell me who I am. I molded so well into other people’s lives. I had dreams and wants, but I pushed them aside to make others happy. In the end, that can only increase my insecurity and anxiety and depression. I was okay with it though.
Since then anxiety and depression have been part of my identity. It has defined me for a very long time. Letting go of that piece of myself can be tricky. I let this person define who I was. I let anxiety and depression define who I was. I want to define me. I want to follow through on my promises. I want to listen to my instincts. I want to be the person I dreamt of being. The person I know I can be.
Don’t get me wrong; I think I’m pretty great right now. I have a lot of things going for me. But I have some major flaws that I’m not okay with. Faults that are not okay and healthy. For a really long time, I blamed that relationship for my headspace and issues. I blamed failed friendships and relationships on it. I saw the scars and kept reopening them to use them. Instead, I need to stop the bleeding and allow myself to heal. Fully heal.
I need to learn what makes me- me. What makes me happy. What I enjoy. Discover me. Go on dates with me. I don’t want another person to define me. I don’t want another person to make me whole. I want to be complete on my own.