The other day, my friend told me that we weren’t supposed to feel like this. You see, we are both currently struggling with anxiety and depression. We are both waiting for night to come to sleep. She said “we weren’t supposed to be suffering. We weren’t supposed to be unhappy for no reason. We deserve happiness.” This struck me more than she probably realized, because of part of me didn’t believe that for a very long time. Anxiety and depression became so intertwined with my identity. It’s what people know me as. I thought I was always supposed to be unhappy. I told others that I was still trying to improve more, and I think part of me really believed it. Looking back now, I think it wasn’t the whole truth. A part of me believed that I’m supposed to be that daughter who struggles with mental health. I’m supposed to be the friend that is anxious all the time. I’m supposed to be that girlfriend who is insecure and seeks reassurance. Part of the reason behind those identities is probably my anxiety and depression. It’s not okay though. I hate it.
I wish I could turn back time and figure it out sooner. Maybe then I would still have people around me that left. Maybe then I would be a bit further in life. I don’t deserve to have anxiety and depression. I don’t deserve to be unhappy. I don’t deserve creating issues in relationships when there is no reason for them to rocky. I don’t deserve living in drama. I want peace. I want happiness. How I wished I realized this sooner. Trying really hard to move forward. Trying really hard to let go. Trying really hard to breathe.
But I can do it. I know I can. Because I deserve this. I freaking deserve it. I can be the girl that I thought I could be. I can be that friend that people deserve. I can be that girlfriend that he deserves. I can do it. Because I owe it to myself. I just hope I have the chance to prove it.
This was good to shock me. To shock me into realizing that the way I was living wasn’t okay. Now I need you to give me a chance to prove it. Because I can. Because I’m freaking worth it.