I have a confession: I am lost. I’m not sure how I am supposed to feel about anything. I am not sure how I should tackle anything. Sometimes I feel like I am just making everything up as I go along. The twenties are supposed to be a decade of being lost, confused, and filled with self-discovery. I am in the midst of trying to discover what I want out of my life, including, my career, relationships, personal life, interests and just who to be as a person. I wish I could appreciate this whole being lost thing more, but instead, it just makes me anxious. How do you know when you know? How do you know what to do? Am I doing this right? Am I supposed to be doing this? Am I supposed to want that? It’s chaotic.
I don’t even know how to write this article. My mind is buzzing. I’m scared of being stuck. I’m scared that the life I am currently living, will be the life I will always be living. I am scared that I will not progress. In reality, I know that I can’t be true. I strive to move forward, succeed, and do my best every day, but what if that’s not enough?
I’m scared that I’m never going to know who I really am. Yeah, I think I’m myself currently, but what if I’m missing something? What if I am supposed to be doing more? What if I base my interests on other people? What if I never push myself so I can never know who I truly am or what I am truly capable of? Again, not logical. I know that I have been pushing myself outside my comfort zone so much lately. It’s exciting. I’m doing things, which I love, that I never thought I would do. Still, what if I am wrong? How do I know?
I’m scared of failing. I’m scared of having my loved ones be disappointed me. I’m scared I have untapped potential that I don’t know what to do with. I’m scared that I’m so scared of failing that I will never actually succeed. I’m scared of looking like an idiot trying something. I’m scared that I am never going to be good enough to succeed. Here’s the thing though, I always seem to exceed my expectations of myself.
These are just a few things that haunt my mind currently. They may not make a lot of sense to you. I can usually move past these thoughts. Address them, rationalize them, and let them go. But currently, it can be hard. I’m lost. I’m at a crossroads, and I don’t know the right move. That has to be okay. Being lost and scared has to be okay. If I was feeling unsatisfied in my life – that should worry me more. But the thing I hold on to when I feel like I’m about to go under is that fact that despite being scared, I’m satisfied. If I wasn’t scared – would that mean I’m not pushing myself enough? Until I have some full grasp and more stability in my life, I’m always going to be a little off-balanced. I’ll be making steps and not sure if I’m going to fall on my ass or not. I might be scared and lost, but I am going through a process that’s going to bring me places I never thought I could go.
So here’s to getting lost and being scared.