So these past two weeks I have been mainly living in a van and traveling with my boyfriend and traveling around Southwest USA. During our trip, my anxiety and depression were pretty low. Anxiety and depression never took over and ruined our trip. I was able to relax. I was able to be adventurous. I’m always a little nervous before traveling. New settings. New experiences. Tight quarters with people. It can be a lot. It can be hard. But I did well. I felt in my element. I felt relaxed. I felt like myself. Obviously, there were moments when anxiety and depression came up – which is bound to happen with travel, but it was mostly good. It was active. It was adventurous. It was new. I had time to breathe. I had time to live a life I wish I could live all the time. So anxiety and depression were minimized, but this morning I arrived back home.
Now that I am home, I can feel all the anxiety and depression rushing back. I’m back to “reality.” Emails. Life decisions. Feeling like a failure. Isolation. Questioning. It’s hard to handle after all this time. When I was traveling, I felt like I had a purpose – that I was accomplishing something. I was able to see and experience incredible moments, but then I had those simple, pure moments too. The times when I woke up in a van, and we just got to look out the window and see a beautiful view. When we didn’t have to rush and could move at our own pace. When we cooked in the back of the van. When we just were. Now, it’s back to the stresses of trying to figure out my life and just trying to feel more secure with everything.
I want to feel secure in my life. When I was traveling, I was so sure of everything. Now I’m back to the insecure, unsure, anxious, crying woman. Who doesn’t always know what to do or how to feel. Who finds it hard to trust in anything without a reason why. I’m back to succumbing to fears instead of living my life.
I was hoping this trip would re-ignite my fire. That maybe it would help me figure some things out. That maybe something would click. I currently feel pulled in all these directions. Trying to figure out what it is I want. But here’s the thing, I want to live my life for me. Those moments that I had on vacation – those simple moments – I want that in my current life. I love traveling, but I also thought it would only cause me to have more anxious and depressed moments, but instead, I’m falling apart when I’m back home. I want to be happy and secure. I want to feel in my element. I’m just still figuring out how to get that in my “reality” life, and it’s a process that I will figure out.