Sometimes I wish I was like a waterfall.
Where I could just go with flow over the edge.
Fall into the unknown with grace and fury.
Instead I fight every moment.
Trying to control the movement of my life.
You see, I fight a lot.
With my mind mostly.
I fight the thoughts.
The worst case scenarios that I imagine.
Well they usually don’t happen,
But they could some time… right?
I hate the snow because it makes me stuck.
You see it’s only a bandage for the world.
It makes everything look peaceful for a bit.
Until life makes it brown
Or the rain washes it away
Or it gets stepped on over and over
Until there is nothing left.
It snows again, and starts off the same.
Beautiful and serene.
But then the cycle begins again.
When it’s coming down, it can be a monster.
Destroying life and electricity.
Destroying the light.
Destroying our freedom.
Making me feel useless.
I don’t like feeling useless.
As if I’m losing control.
So I fight the mind and the snow
Makes me exhausted.
And others around me exhausted.
You see, I know I’m overwhelming
With my thoughts happening constantly.
Never knowing what to believe.
I question every feeling and thought
Wondering if it’s valid. Or if I’m just crazy.
Probably a bit of both.
I hate criticism from others because I criticize myself enough.
I heard how I’m constantly wrong
I am sensitive to what people think.
I try to be the best I can be,
But it’s never good enough.
So I get nervous that eventually people will grow tired.
Tired of my thoughts.
Tired of my worries.
Just tired of me.
But I keep moving and believing.
So hopefully they will do the same.
But I’m also a fighter for things that matter most.
I’m a fighter for the people I love.
I’m a fighter for myself.
I’m a fighter to keep things that I hold sacred.
I’m a fighter for my truth.
I tend to talk in circles, never getting to the point.
I talk like I need to prove something.
That if I stop for a breath, my life will fall.
That people will see I’m just pretending.
I wish I was like a waterfall.
But instead I’m like the snow.