As you probably know, I am anxious and can have days when I’m depressed. I can be overwhelming. I care too much. I try too hard. Some days I’m a mess. All of these can have me feeling that I’m not worthy of love. That I’m not worthy of belonging. I apologize for things I don’t need to apologize for. I don’t stand up for myself when I should. I don’t always believe my feelings are valid. I can get illogical and irrational. I get lost in negative thoughts.
Just re-reading that paragraph, I sound like a lot. I know this. I had someone in my life a while ago, that blamed me every time he got angry and would punch the wall. Every time he would scream at me. Every time he called me names or broke something. I believed him. It was my fault. I am too much. I am too annoying. I cause people to act aggressively. It has taken me a while to learn that what he was saying wasn’t true.
The person I am with now takes me for me. He is patient. He tells me when I crossed a line. I listen. I recognize my illogical thoughts. I have come a long way since we started dating. I have grown. His patience and motivation helped bring me here today.
It hasn’t been perfect, obviously. Love isn’t perfect. It isn’t all fancy nights out and being obsessed with each other. There are ups and downs. There are lazy moments. There are moments of adventure. There are moments of pushing each other to grow. There are moments of accepting the other person. There are moments of being scared. There are moments of being angry. There are moments of being tired. There are moments of joy. There are moments of contentedness.
All these moments help me realize that I am worthy of love. I’m worthy of happiness. I’m worth the fight. I believe in myself.
When you have anxiety, love isn’t easy. Relationships aren’t easy. We can get caught up in the little moments and wonder the what if’s. It has us being scared that something better will always come along. It has us questioning our loved ones and our worthiness. It has us waiting for everything to fall apart.
Not everyone can stick around through the beginnings of dating someone with anxiety. Not everyone wants to “deal” with it. But it takes someone to be there. Someone who still shows up time and time again. The one who stays. The one who believes in us. It helps us believe in ourselves. It helps us believe in ourselves. It helps calm our nerves. There’s a quote that says “the only way to find out if you can trust someone is to trust them.” We take time. But we are worth it.