Sometimes I wish I could go back in time to when things were easy. When the most difficult thing I had to figure out was a test in Calculus and if some dumb boy liked me. Now I feel like I have so much on top of my shoulders that I can’t give my energy to it all. That sometimes it’s all too much. You may be thinking, “but Sylvia aren’t you not even working right now? How can you have so much going on?” – You would be correct in wondering that. People often think that just because I’m not working – I have nothing to worry about or nothing to take my energy. But they would be wrong.
I’m doing well. I really am – despite what others are saying. Despite what people tell me. Despite the people who tell me that I am always anxious or I continuously have anxiety attacks. The truth is- I had my first anxiety attack in months last night. I have been doing my best to keep strong these last couple months. More than usual. I have been trying hard to prove to myself and others that I can do this. And for the most part, I can. I can be strong most of the time. I don’t need help most of the time. But sometimes I do need help. Sometimes I use all my energy protecting others.
Again, that might sound weird. But the thing is when you know how to try hard to help others. Sometimes I feel like I am consistently there for others but not many people are there for me. I think that I forgive others when not many people forgive me. I think that I give a lot into helping others, but no one gives much to help me. I also can’t tell if this is my anxiety and depression speaking or the truth. I look for evidence to the contrary – but it’s hard. People need breaks from me. That’s how I am too much. People I love and care about can’t be around me a lot. I would give so much to help others – that sometimes I wonder how much people are willing to give me?
I need to get better at dividing my energy. Knowing that it’s not my duty to be strong all the time – I write as I’m sitting in Starbucks crying. As one man keep looks over at me – wondering what is wrong. When I speak to the cashier to order my Grande Caramel Latte and my words barely come out. I want to feel embarrassed. I want to feel ashamed. But instead, I just don’t’ have the energy to even care anymore. I don’t have the energy to fight off the negative thoughts.
I don’t send a bunch of texts when I’m having anxious and intrusive thoughts. Most of the time I don’t need help from others to feel better again. But some days I just can’t. Sometimes I break. Sometimes I need help. And it hurts when people tell me that they need the day off for the one weekend I need the support. But again – it’s probably me – I’m a lot. And not many people like to be around me all the time. Not many people can be there for me. Unless I can learn how to hold back pieces of myself – I need to learn that most relationships with me have an expiration date unless I can be strong all the time. It’s been a long time coming.